With the Super Bowl comes its usual litany of pitfalls: DUIs, chip-related injuries, possible immaculate conceptions (depending on how far along you are to that DUI), touchdown celebrations resulting in broken bones, beer pong dunks resulting in broken bones, impromtu backyard football games resulting in broken bones and DUIs.
To help combat the latter, American Medical Response (you know, the folks who'll help remove that Frito from your cornea) have issued some safety tips to help ensure a more perfect union, and also a safe Super Bowl Sunday.
The tips, as follows, slightly paraphrased:
1. Don't try and get people to come to your party by telling them that light beer is mostly water, so it's basically good for you. Light beer is never good for you.
2. If you're watching the Super Bowl and a commercial comes on featuring Tim Tebow, Fokus on the Fizzy, something about abortion and Tim's mom, turn away; you'll only want to get plastered in cerebral defense.
3. Don't mock the designated drivers. When it comes time for pizza, they're the only ones who won't have smashed their cell phones by throwing them against the TV.
4. Peer pressure: effective, but tacky. Skip it, unless you really mean it.
5. "Include soft drinks, water and juice plus tempting 'mocktails'." God knows what a "tempting mocktail" is but hell yes — include them.
6. Don't allow drinking contests. It's bad form to out-drink your guests and then eat their pizza rolls.
7. "As guests leave, help the designated drivers buckle up every passenger." Watch out for the handsy ones.
8. Cheer for the Saints. Be smart. Don't kill anyone.