Wednesday, May 11, 2011

UPDATED: Win tickets to see 'The Advice Goddess' Amy Alkon

Posted By on Wed, May 11, 2011 at 5:08 PM

UPDATE 2: See a full recap of Amy's chat with readers below.






 Chat With Amy Alkon(05/11/2011) 
10:50
CSIndy: 
Welcome everyone!
Wednesday May 11, 2011 10:50 CSIndy
10:51
[Be Right Back Countdown]5 minutes 
Wednesday May 11, 2011 10:51 
10:00
CSIndy: 

Hi, everybody! Amy Alkon here, ready to take your questions.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:00 CSIndy
10:00
CSIndy: 
Ask me for advice...or ask me just anything.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:00 CSIndy
10:02
[Comment From DaveGDaveG: ] 
Amy,
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:02 DaveG
10:02
CSIndy: 
Hi, Dave!
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:02 CSIndy
10:02
CSIndy: 
What's amusing or troubling you today?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:02 CSIndy
10:02
[Comment From ChrisChris: ] 
Best way to get rid of an annoying ex?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:02 Chris
10:03
CSIndy: 
What's the annoying ex doing? As in, has this person barricaded him or herself in your den?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:03 CSIndy
10:03
[Comment From DaveGDaveG: ] 
Amy, you're a well-known atheist. Do you think humankind will ultimately put religion where it belongs, in the rear-view mirror?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:03 DaveG
10:04
CSIndy: 
DaveG, I think people like to feel they have the answers. People are very uncomfortable not knowing. Religion tells them there are answers.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:04 CSIndy
10:04
CSIndy: 
Also, one thing atheists could learn from religion is that people like to have a community to belong to.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:04 CSIndy
10:05
CSIndy: 
Religion offers that.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:05 CSIndy
10:05
[Comment From ChrisChris: ] 
Texting, calling, emailing. It's been 5 months.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:05 Chris
10:05
CSIndy: 
Wow. Have you told him or her to stop? Explicitly? And is it a him or a her (want to know so I don't have to be annoying and write "him or her")
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:05 CSIndy
10:05
[Comment From DaveGDaveG: ] 
Chris - can you get a restraining order?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:05 DaveG
10:06
CSIndy: 
Restraining orders can give people a false sense of security. It's just a piece of paper. It doesn't stop gunfire. Not that everyone is violent. I get a bit sick of how paranoid we're all becoming.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:06 CSIndy
10:06
[Comment From ChrisChris: ] 
Chick. And yes I have!
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:06 Chris
10:06
CSIndy: 
Have told her, I assume you mean, not have gotten a restraining order.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:06 CSIndy
10:07
CSIndy: 
It also helps to be very, very definitive about how you are not going to get back together, not now, not ever. I'm guessing that would be her aim in keeping up contact? Is that right?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:07 CSIndy
10:07
[Comment From DaveGDaveG: ] 
BTW, check out ABadCaseoftheDates.com. Won't solve your problem, but you'll have some laffs.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:07 DaveG
10:08
CSIndy: 
You should also block her calls, emails and text, and let her know that you're doing that, and that you definitively will not get back together with her and will file for a restraining order if the calls do not stop. If somebody contacts you after you have explictly asked them to not contact you, it is harassment. Document all the contacts.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:08 CSIndy
10:09
CSIndy: 
A lot of times, people keep in contact because they think there's some hope that you can be persuaded to get back together. Unfortunately, they also keep in contact like this...
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:09 CSIndy
10:09
CSIndy: 
because it becomes a habit, part of the way they live their life. It's kind of a hobby of sorts (becomes one).
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:09 CSIndy
10:09
CSIndy: 
How old are you, how old is she? And what's the nature of these contacts (what does she say, write?)
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:09 CSIndy
10:10
[Comment From LoriLori: ] 
Hi Amy, are people really capable of changing for the long term?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:10 Lori
10:10
CSIndy: 
Change is very hard. Often impossible. It depends how and what you are trying to change. Can you be specific with an example?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:10 CSIndy
10:11
CSIndy: 
Some people have personality disorders that are brain chemistry based. We're learning more and more about the brain and where things show up and why.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:11 CSIndy
10:11
CSIndy: 
There's a wonderful book on neuroplasticity, how you can rewire your brain, by Norman Doidge, "The Brain That Changes Itself." But, it's terribly hard work.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:11 CSIndy
10:12
CSIndy: 
Also, many of people's problems are based in their being irrational. Albert Ellis, the co-founder of cognitive behavioral therapy...
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:12 CSIndy
10:13
CSIndy: 
would say, "Change the way you think and you'll change the way you feel," and that you're disturbed (and acting out) because you're thinking irrationally.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:13 CSIndy
10:13
[Comment From BobBob: ] 
Amy, what's the strangest scenario you've been asked to give advice on?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:13 Bob
10:14
CSIndy: 
Great book by Ellis, "Guide To Rational Living." Psychologists and psychiatrists (especially in previous decades) liked to pretend that correcting people's psychological problems took years and thousands of dollars. But, Ellis would, in $5 audience sessions he used to do, tell people how they were thinking irrationally, tell them what the rational approach would be, and give them exercises to help them behave more rationally. His $12 book helps people do the same things.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:14 CSIndy
10:16
CSIndy: 
Bob...hmmm...hard to say. It's when people are behaving in bizarrely wrong ways and see nothing wrong with it.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:16 CSIndy
10:16
CSIndy: 
Sort of "Well, all I did was boil her dog and feed it to her goldfish" type justifications.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:16 CSIndy
10:16
[Comment From ChrisChris: ] 
Yes, most def!
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:16 Chris
10:16
[Comment From LoriLori: ] 
I've been in a relationship for 10 yrs and we have said some really awful things during heated arguments (words are hard to take back) but we have decided to change the way we fight and not get nasty...do you believe in the Secret?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:16 Lori
10:17
CSIndy: 
No. I forget what its about, but I looked at the specifics and found it to be, sorry, won't mince words, woowoo crapthink.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:17 CSIndy
10:17
CSIndy: 
John Gottman's work is great for changing the way you fight.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:17 CSIndy
10:17
CSIndy: 
He talks about contempt (when you speak contemptuously) being the killer of a relationship and the predictor of a relationship's end.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:17 CSIndy
10:17
CSIndy: 
I write about this in a column that either just ran or will run in the CSIndy.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:17 CSIndy
10:18
CSIndy: 
You need to have deep friendship with a partner...
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:18 CSIndy
10:19
CSIndy: 
You need to be with the right person, and that, I think, means having the hots for them, not just as a hunkahunka you know, but as a human being.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:19 CSIndy
10:19
CSIndy: 
You need to respect and admire them as a person.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:19 CSIndy
10:19
CSIndy: 
Also, I'm a hothead, but I've never said a mean word to my boyfriend.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:19 CSIndy
10:19
CSIndy: 
In eight years.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:19 CSIndy
10:19
CSIndy: 
He doesn't deserve it, and you get the relationship you create.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:19 CSIndy
10:20
CSIndy: 
You have to make that your relationship policy. Think of it as the culture of your relationship.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:20 CSIndy
10:20
CSIndy: 
Culture is created out of repeated behavior over time.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:20 CSIndy
10:20
CSIndy: 
Gottman also talks about how you need five positive interactions to make up for every negative one.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:20 CSIndy
10:21
CSIndy: 
Also, if you act loving, love will follow. Go over and hug your partner, kiss them, touch their hair sweetly. Repeatedly.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:21 CSIndy
10:21
CSIndy: 
Focus on the positives about them. The petty stuff, the little arguments, they aren't worth winning.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:21 CSIndy
10:22
CSIndy: 
This doesn't mean you don't have disagreements with them, but you discuss them as OUR problems and look for mutually beneficial resolution or that this time, it's your turn to get your way.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:22 CSIndy
10:22
CSIndy: 
And some arguments just aren't resolvable.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:22 CSIndy
10:22
CSIndy: 
On those, the deep friendship really helps - that it's more worth it to be there than not.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:22 CSIndy
10:22
[Comment From LoriLori: ] 
Agreed!!
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:22 Lori
10:22
[Comment From LoriLori: ] 
Yes I agree completely, its an everyday work-in-progress...thank you!! See you tonight!! :-)
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:22 Lori
10:22
CSIndy: 
Thanks - and people can ask me questions live tonight. And I will speak the answers and not type them!
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:22 CSIndy
10:24
CSIndy: 
Lori, I hope you'll pick up Gottman's book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Fantastic book.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:24 CSIndy
10:24
[Comment From LoriLori: ] 
Welcome to Spring time in Rockies!!
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:24 Lori
10:24
CSIndy: 
Thanks - it's amazingly gorgeous here. And people are really nice and the food is great. We went to The Famous last night.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:24 CSIndy
10:25
CSIndy: 
A couple other book recommendations: Martin Seligman just wrote a wonderful book (culmination of his years of experience and research) called Flourish.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:25 CSIndy
10:25
CSIndy: 
Psychology and psychiatry are too often only about healing screwed up people and not making high-functioning people function better. Seligman ("Mr. Happiness") is great on that.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:25 CSIndy
10:25
[Comment From LoriLori: ] 
Very cool...The Famous is awesome!!
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:25 Lori
10:26
CSIndy: 
Sure was!
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:26 CSIndy
10:26
[Comment From BobBob: ] 
So apparently you're not supposed to feed your dog to your goldfish ... good to know ...
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:26 Bob
10:26
CSIndy: 
Yeah, I've got all the hot wisdom.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:26 CSIndy
10:26
CSIndy: 
Of course, my dog is goldfish-sized...
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:26 CSIndy
10:27
CSIndy: 
She's a pretend dog, not like the real dogs you have out here. 3 lbs, abusing my boyfriend right now.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:27 CSIndy
10:27
[Comment From BobBob: ] 
Ah, I see. That does it make it somewhat risky.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:27 Bob
10:27
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
Amy - as a lifelong Unitarian, I can confirm that a church community is a great thing - and we have a TON of atheists in our congregation (including my daughter, who identifies as a "spiritual atheist")
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:27 Melissa
10:27
CSIndy: 
My lawyer is a Unitarian. It's always sounded wonderful. And Bahai'ism sounds cool. I interviewed Rainn Wilson, who's a Bahai, at a book festival last week.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:27 CSIndy
10:28
CSIndy: 
It's a religion bent on uniting people of all faiths, but not trying to convert them. Bahai don't troll for people to join them and change their religion, just to join them in creating peace on earth, feeding people, etc. Seems nice!
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:28 CSIndy
10:28
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
Amy - this IS your lawyer ;-) I logged in to tell you to visit my alma mater - Colorado College - a beautiful liberal campus in the midst of conservative Csprings
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:28 Melissa
10:29
CSIndy: 
Hah! Hilarious.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:29 CSIndy
10:29
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
Actually, according to the research my fellow teacher did, Bahais are BIG on proselytizing - but I didn't do the research so I can't confirm
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:29 Melissa
10:30
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
I'm teaching a comparative religion class in Sunday school this year, and we're currently studying Bahai -going to the Bahai temple this Sunday
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:30 Melissa
10:30
CSIndy: 
Rainn said they don't and what I read about them said they don't, but even if they do, I think their religion and yours sound very positive. PS Melissa is a great lawyer...always on moral high ground. I like that.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:30 CSIndy
10:31
CSIndy: 
Sorry, these sometimes don't publish as fast as I write them. It says, "transferring data," and then it finally lets it through.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:31 CSIndy
10:31
CSIndy: 
I type wildly fast because I earned 10 cents an envelope/addressed cover letter typing for my dad when I was a teenager.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:31 CSIndy
10:32
CSIndy: 
By the way, if you haven't yet heard me raving about my heated toilet seat in my hotel room... http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/05/12/thatll_be_me_th.html
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:32 CSIndy
10:32
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
I'm interested in learning more about Bahai - I'll give you a report after we visit their temple - they all have 8 (9?) doors to symbolize the different paths to spiritual wisdom
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:32 Melissa
10:33
[Comment From DaveGDaveG: ] 
Will there be a transcript of this?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:33 DaveG
10:34
CSIndy: 
I don't know...I'll have to ask Barrett. It would be great if there is. And I love doing this. I want to start doing these live chats maybe once a month.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:34 CSIndy
10:35
CSIndy: 
I'm glad you would actually want a transcript. One of the things I think makes me not a hack is that I'm always worried about making sure I say/give people something of value.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:35 CSIndy
10:35
CSIndy: 
It's one of the reasons I work really hard to put science into my column and to translate it out of professorese.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:35 CSIndy
10:35
CSIndy: 
I just got back from an evolutionary psychology conference at SUNY Binghamton. A city which has nothing on this one, believe me. But, the conference was amazing.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:35 CSIndy
10:36
CSIndy: 
I just finished a column that will run in two weeks in the CSIndy on "nice guys," who aren't really nice at all but overly nice.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:36 CSIndy
10:36
CSIndy: 
This isn't to say all nice guys are problematic...just the ones who use the term "nice" as cover for being women and trying to bribe women into liking them instead of being more straightforward.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:36 CSIndy
10:36
[Comment From DaveGDaveG: ] 
Shoutout to Melissa from a fellow UU - Q: What's the UU Hell? A: A place where no-one argues with you.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:36 DaveG
10:36
[Comment From ErikErik: ] 
Amy, what's the best way to end a relationship that you're happy in, but is stagnant? Or, is it better to seek to revive? Where's the line?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:36 Erik
10:37
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
LOL DaveG - too true
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:37 Melissa
10:37
CSIndy: 
Tell me more about the relationship.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:37 CSIndy
10:37
CSIndy: 
Why is it "stagnant"? What's gotten boring? And do you live together or apart, and do you have kids?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:37 CSIndy
10:38
CSIndy: 
I know it's not for everybody, but I think living together can be a big problem. You never get to miss the person.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:38 CSIndy
10:38
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
My college freshman daughter is taking a class on Sociology & Religion - her prof says Unitarians are the only religion that does not define themselves by excluding others
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:38 Melissa
10:38
CSIndy: 
Been with my boyfriend eight years and I always miss him. We live apart and he's in Detroit every few weeks. Great to feel I am never seeing enough of him.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:38 CSIndy
10:38
[Comment From GuestGuest: ] 
Live apart, no kids; but happy enough. I need more time away than she does, and that hurts her feelings.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:38 Guest
10:39
CSIndy: 
She needs to understand (and I've written about this before, though I can't remember the exact column) that it's not about her but about your need to be separate. If you email me (adviceamy@aol.com) I'll try to find it for you. A woman wrote about needing more alone time.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:39 CSIndy
10:39
CSIndy: 
It's solitude you need. Not that she's a problem for you.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:39 CSIndy
10:40
CSIndy: 
Also, look up my column on introverts in the CSIndy.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:40 CSIndy
10:41
CSIndy: 
Introverts can't take as much human stimulation as the rest of us. They need to go away and calm themselves. It's actually a different type of brain, the brain of an introvert. Longer pathways for information, and more easily overwhelmed. If you can help her understand this as biology and not that she's somehow disagreeable to you, that should help.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:41 CSIndy
10:41
[Comment From DaveGDaveG: ] 
I grew up UU, love it, but I'm cautious about applying superlatives to it, so we don't get smug in our awesomeness.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:41 DaveG
10:41
CSIndy: 
The smugness was subtext, but I'm so high on this town, it seems deserved.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:41 CSIndy
10:41
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
DaveG - that's called hiding your light under a bushel ;-)
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:41 Melissa
10:42
[Comment From DaveGDaveG: ] 
Amy, see Garden of the Gods if you can.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:42 DaveG
10:43
CSIndy: 
We passed it. Of course, being from LA, I thought it was the site of a movie shoot.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:43 CSIndy
10:43
CSIndy: 
When Jack told me the name.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:43 CSIndy
10:43
[Comment From BryceBryce: ] 
Do you ever run out of letters to answer? How many do you receive in an average week?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:43 Bryce
10:44
CSIndy: 
People always want free advice.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:44 CSIndy
10:44
CSIndy: 
I get more letters when people are mad at me for something.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:44 CSIndy
10:44
CSIndy: 
It's hard to say how many I get. It varies. Maybe I get 10 a day. I try to answer them all, although some fall through the cracks.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:44 CSIndy
10:44
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
Garden of the Gods is even better if you can find some hallucinogenics (oh, wait - that was the 70s ;-)
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:44 Melissa
10:45
CSIndy: 
I like people who gently remind me that I haven't answered their email, as opposed to those who seem to think I've been waiting all my life for their email to come, and why haven't I gotten to it 30 seconds after its arrival?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:45 CSIndy
10:45
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
have you ever had a stalker-advice seeker? Someone who wanted to argue and comment and not let you go on to anything else?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:45 Melissa
10:46
CSIndy: 
I have one on my site. He just would make my comments section uninteresting. He's going on and on about homeopathy now. Yawn.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:46 CSIndy
10:47
CSIndy: 
What makes it uninteresting is when people aren't really discussing anything but just trying to hammer their point over and over. I'm also annoyed by people who write me angry, critical letters which make it clear that they didn't read what I wrote; they just decided what I must have said and wrote in response to that.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:47 CSIndy
10:47
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
Ever had to block someone who got disruptive with comments or ranting emails?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:47 Melissa
10:47
CSIndy: 
I like to run a free speech site. I like to say, "Even assholes are welcome." If a mob of people are coming over to disrupt my comments section, with that as their explicit purpose, I'll block them.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:47 CSIndy
10:48
CSIndy: 
But, I've probably blocked only five people otherwise.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:48 CSIndy
10:48
[Comment From JamieJamie: ] 
How do you handle friends when you start a new relationship and they are used to having you to themselves?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:48 Jamie
10:49
CSIndy: 
We're all basically small, wounded children. It's important to let them know that you care about them and to be sort of explicit about how important it is to you to make time for them.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:49 CSIndy
10:49
CSIndy: 
You want to counter their objection and hurt before it comes up.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:49 CSIndy
10:49
CSIndy: 
You will have to work to include them.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:49 CSIndy
10:49
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
Yeah, the hecklers are what make Speakers Corner fun, right?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:49 Melissa
10:49
CSIndy: 
Yep.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:49 CSIndy
10:49
[Comment From DaveGDaveG: ] 
Do you think that the proliferation of anti-depressants, autism awareness (and, although I have no data, a presumable increase in the use of counseling) means that:
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:49 DaveG
10:49
[Comment From DaveGDaveG: ] 
Psychiatry is now better than ever at uncovering conditions that have already always existed, or that people really are more maladjusted than ever before?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:49 DaveG
10:50
CSIndy: 
I don't think psychiatry is any better at uncovering the conditions, but they like to themselves that.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:50 CSIndy
10:51
CSIndy: 
It's so easy to give you a pill. That said, I'm all for better living through chemistry...if that is actually the case. Drugs do have risks and side-effects, as does ANY medical care. Iatrogenisis is the term for when medical care actually screws you up further.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:51 CSIndy
10:51
[Comment From JamieJamie: ] 
What if it feels like some of them work to exclude my partner of two years, do I have to draw a line between my friends and my mate?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:51 Jamie
10:52
CSIndy: 
You need to lay out that you care about them but that this is how your life works best for you and ask them how you can work things so they feel included in your life. A friend isn't actually acting as a friend if they're treating you as an object they must have...
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:52 CSIndy
10:52
CSIndy: 
Contrary to what works for you.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:52 CSIndy
10:52
[Comment From GingerGinger: ] 
do you find midwest men different from la men?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:52 Ginger
10:53
CSIndy: 
Yep. My boyfriend is a midwest man, but I met him in LA. I like to say "I got him at the Apple computer store at The Grove," which I did.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:53 CSIndy
10:53
[Comment From JamieJamie: ] 
Thanks for the advice.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:53 Jamie
10:53
[Comment From GingerGinger: ] 
on sale?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:53 Ginger
10:54
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
Jamie - why does your partner have to be included in everything? Maybe your girlfriends just want some girl time, while you insist that everyone has to embrace him all the time -
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:54 Melissa
10:54
CSIndy: 
LA is a place made up of a lot of people from a lot of places, but it's also a place where Hollywood is a big part of the deal. And there's a little Hollyweasel in far too many of the men I encountered there.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:54 CSIndy
10:55
CSIndy: 
I didn't get that from what Jamie was saying, Melissa. It sounds like her friend is jealous of the time Jamie is spending with her partner.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:55 CSIndy
10:55
CSIndy: 
I spent eight years alone, largely, before I met my boyfriend. Going on one date and one date only. I came up with standards, "man minimums," and if a guy didn't meet them, it was goodbye.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:55 CSIndy
10:55
[Comment From MelissaMelissa: ] 
She said "some of them work to exclude my partner" - well, why do they have to be a package deal?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:55 Melissa
10:55
CSIndy: 
I said a lot of goodbyes.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:55 CSIndy
10:56
CSIndy: 
Because my boyfriend is an introvert and likes to quote Vingh Rhames ("I don't want to talk to anyone I don't already know") I leave him home a lot.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:56 CSIndy
10:57
CSIndy: 
It is important to also maintain friendships. That keeps you vital as a person and actually feeds your relationship, too. It's dull to only have the exact same experiences as your boyfriend. Then, what do you do at night, tell them a story about the thing you both just saw?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:57 CSIndy
10:57
[Comment From JamieJamie: ] 
Because I love him and I want to include him in things I do. At least that's how I feel when love someone not every minute of the day but in my downtime I prefer to include him.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:57 Jamie
10:58
CSIndy: 
Are you in the initial stages of your relationship, Jamie? Can't remember
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:58 CSIndy
10:58
[Comment From GingerGinger: ] 
i've been in the middle of both of jamie's issues. friends who didn't want to hang out with my man and men who didn't want me to hang out with my girls. i've since gotten rid of everyone who wanted me all to themselves
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:58 Ginger
10:58
[Comment From DaveGDaveG: ] 
In the South, people are known for being overtly friendly to strangers. Also true in upstate NY, where I'm from. In CT where I live, no so true. What's LA like in that regard?
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:58 DaveG
10:58
CSIndy: 
Ginger sounds wise.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:58 CSIndy
10:59
CSIndy: 
I'm overly friendly to strangers, my boyfriend would tell you. There are chatters like me, and people who keep to themselves, like Helen Hunt, who writes in the cafe I do sometimes. She seems so disturbed to be out in public, I always wonder why she just doesn't stay home.
Thursday May 12, 2011 10:59 CSIndy
11:00
CSIndy: 
Thanks everyone...this has been wonderful chatting with you all...I'm being summoned to go. Please email me if you need more advice - adviceamy@aol.com - and read me weekly at CSIndy.com
Thursday May 12, 2011 11:00 CSIndy
11:05
 

 
 
 

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UPDATE: Amy Alkon will be appearing on our Facebook page at 10 a.m. tomorrow to answer your question for one hour. Look for her initial post and feel free to receive advice directly from the goddess who knows.

——— ORIGINAL POST: Wed., May 11, 1:37 p.m. ———

Tomorrow, May 12, columnist Amy Alkon will be appearing at Stargazers Theatre and Event Center as a benefit for Stop Family Violence, and to discuss and sign her book I See Rude People.

Her column runs weekly in the Independent, and features advice like this:

I must have missed that fairy tale — the one where the couple get married and go off to live happily ever after in the house with the white picket fence and the 2.5 boyfriends. Your husband took early retirement from sex, deeming it "too much work." Well, sure, it takes some elbow grease, but it isn't exactly picking lettuce in the hot sun for $3 an hour. Although he refuses to discuss this further, you keep him on staff — as your vice president of The Illusion of Safety and Security. ...

Sex researcher Rosemary Basson found that arousal is "triggerable"; just start making out, and you'll get turned on and get into it. Ultimately, you have to fill a marriage with loving and sexual acts, and love and sex should continue — assuming you're with somebody whose idea of sex in marriage isn't sending his spouse out to bars to score it off somebody else.

Comment on this blog post — with your real name — between now and 5:30 p.m. with the worst advice you ever received, and be entered into a random drawing to win two tickets to see Alkon.

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