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A tale of two weiners 

Ranger Rich

Last week, disgraced ex-U.S. Rep. Anthony "Little" Weiner tossed his tighty whities into the New York City mayoral race.

If he gets elected, this would give us and New Yorkers something in common: That's right, we'd both have a weiner as a mayor.

And there's another link. While tighty whities is a reference to ex-Rep. Weiner showing off some hip-hugging undershorts in Internet photos he sent to women, our weiner — Mayor Steve Bach — is also familiar with tighty whities. It's the secret name for his group of close friends and business associates.

"Look, I made some big mistakes and I know I let a lot of people down," ex-Congressman Weiner said.

"Look, I made some big mistakes and I know I let a lot of people down," our Mayor Weiner won't ever say but should.

It's not the first time Weiner has longed for the New York City mayor's office. He ran in 2005, pledging to hire hundreds to scrub and tidy up the city, an actual proposal he dubbed "Weiner's Cleaners." (Judging by the Internet photos of himself in his underwear, the cleaner didn't use any starch, if you know what I mean.)

The photos, made public in 2011, showed Weiner showing off his super-sexiest faces, slightly doughy stomach and those undershorts, which, to be fair, were actually gray boxer briefs. He sent them on his public Twitter account because, as we know, nobody is smarter than a politician.

Weiner then spent a week denying everything, in accordance with page 48 of the Career Politician's Handbook, before he blurted out — at the weirdest press conference ever — that he'd sent similar creepy sexual photos of himself to not one but six women.

His wife stood alongside him at the press conference, seeming to realize that her mother was right.

So last week Weiner made his mayoral run announcement — and has since campaigned using the same platform from which he delivered his underwear photos. As David Letterman said, giving Weiner a Twitter account is like giving Lindsay Lohan the key to the mini-bar.

Although, to be fair, you should never judge a man until you've walked a mile with his pants down around your ankles.

New York's Weiner, however, has nothing on our old, tired, wrinkly weiner.

Since being elected a few years ago when he was 168 years old, Mayor Bach has done a lot for our town. Today, only frogs, gnats, flies, wild animals, boils, hail, locusts and pestilence remain on his to-do list.

(At a recent news conference, Bach's head spun around and the words "Fire More Good People ... Replace Them With Rump-Kissers" appeared in angry red welts on his chest. Then he threw a priest out of a window.)

And who didn't see those photos last week in the Gazette of Mayor Beelzebub handing out copies of that daily newspaper to startled airport travelers? (The answer: About 92 percent of the town's population.)

The G's story pointed out that Bach recently "parted ways" with the airport's aviation director and replaced him with a task force. On an unrelated note, since Mayor Bashar al-Assad, I mean Bach, began running the village, our airport has also parted ways with other things. Examples would include airplanes and passengers.

Bach has also sealed city records of severance deals between him and the many people he has fired, and, in a monumental tribute to old people with old ideas, he weighed in publicly last week on Amendment 64 and the dangers of marijuana.

"And by the way, I'm told, the young people who use this new grade of marijuana ... are at risk for losing their memory for life," he said.

From a story by the Indy's Bryce Crawford: "We checked with the city communications office about whether the mayor meant that teens who smoke marijuana lose every memory they've ever collected, or whether they just lose the ability to ever create a new memory, but had not heard back as of press time."

The mayor, of course, doesn't speak very often to the Indy.

What a weiner.

Rich Tosches (rangerrich@csindy.com) also writes a Sunday column in the Denver Post.

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