Reading the King James version of Exodus is to experience the Lord's wrath, as God does his best to solve the Middle East's dilemmas. Working through his duly designated representative, Moses, the Lord plays hardball with intransigent Egyptian rulers. His message: Let my people go.
Exodus 7:19 — And the Lord spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and stretch out thine hand upon the waters of Egypt, upon their streams, upon their rivers, and upon their ponds, and upon all their pools of water, that they may become blood ...
8:2 — And if thou refuse to let them go, behold, I will smite all thy borders with frogs. 8:16 — And the LORD said unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch out thy rod, and smite the dust of the land, that it may become lice throughout all the land of Egypt. 8:21 — Else, if thou wilt not let my people go, behold, I will send swarms of flies upon thee ...
The Lord's irritation increased, sending plague after plague. Locusts? Three days of darkness? Diseased livestock? Still no results. So, as Quentin Tarantino once wrote, the Lord got all medieval on their asses.
11:4-5 — And Moses said, Thus saith the LORD, About midnight will I go out into the midst of Egypt. And all the firstborn in the land of Egypt shall die, from the first born of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the firstborn of the maidservant that is behind the mill; and all the firstborn of beasts.
That did the trick.
Since November 2010, residents of Colorado Springs have gone to the polls seven times, endured seven campaigns, and are about to experience an eighth. Blood, flies, lice, locusts — minor irritants, compared to democracy run amok.
Nov. 2, 2010 — And the Lord saith to Colorado Springs, I shall raise up Michael Bennet, John Hickenlooper and John Morse to rule over you.
April 5, 2011 — The mighty on Council shall be cast down and the voters shall replace them. Let Brandy Williams, Tim Leigh, Angela Dougan, Val Snider, Merv Bennett and Lisa Czelatdko take seats at the dais.
May 17, 2011 — For lo these many years hath Richard Skorman faithfully served the people yet that availed him nothing. The voters give, the voters taketh away — exalted be the name of Steve Bach.
Nov. 1, 2011 — Hosannas to the Most High! Voters repeal an ordinance requiring the city to levy a tax for any operating deficit of Memorial Hospital.
Aug. 28, 2012 — Trusting again in Council members whom they elected 16 months previously, voters graciously approve the lease of Memorial Health System to University of Colorado Health.
Nov. 6, 2012 — Obama? Marijuana? Surely the Lord jests with us.
April 2, 2013 — Begone, Williams, Leigh, Dougan and Bernie Herpin. Do my will, Keith King, Don Knight, Jill Gaebler, Andy Pico, Helen Collins and Joel Miller! But you won't be paid more than $6,250 annually, decreed 82 percent of voters.
Haven't we had enough democracy? Our next vote may surpass in concentrated venom anything we've seen before, despite its irrelevance. Morse likely faces a recall from the state Senate — yet he's term-limited in 2014, anyway.
It's shaping up as an epic battle between good and evil, or so the opposing forces would have you believe. Guns: good or bad? Regulate guns, or gun down regulators? Second Amendment, or lawless violence?
None of those absurd questions will be answered, but we in Colorado Springs will be squarely at ground zero with both sides locked and loaded. ("You can use gun metaphors all you want," says Christy Le Lait, who heads A Whole Lot of People for John Morse, admitting a fierce battle lies ahead.)
Millions will be spent and everyone will lose, regardless. Among the losers:
• Morse, who will spend the next couple of months getting smeared.
• Democrats, who will be slandered, libeled, distracted, financially stressed and may lose a Senate seat.
• Republicans, who will be even more firmly linked to uncompromising gunnies. Fine in Colorado Springs, awful nationally.
• Colorado Springs residents, forced to witness the dismal cage fight.
Can it be that the Lord is mightily displeased with us? Is this the Dies Irae, the day of wrath? To know, consider Exodus 11.5, and ask a simple question of John Morse: Are you a firstborn child?
Frigging priceless, dude.
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