Which brings me to the first of today's two very serious stories. It involves Clear Creek County (Okla.) Judge Donald Thompson. Prosecutors say that during important criminal trials the judge was hearing a lot of motions from the bench and, at the same time, making a lot of motions under the bench, if you know what I mean.
From the actual Associated Press story: "Investigators say the judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials."
As I understand it, this -- in formal legal terms -- is known as "badgering the witness."
(I apologize for that joke and vow not to make light of this serious breach of judicial responsibilities again and will stick to actual legal terms such as "pro bono," which combines the Latin words "pro" [for] and "bono" [the boner].)
The masturbation charges have shocked and stunned the people of Sapulpa, Okla.
The lurid details of the case have left many of the townsfolk with a feeling of deep regret and disgust -- especially the ones who regularly greeted the judge with a handshake.
More from the AP story: "Jurors and others in Judge Thompson's courtroom kept hearing a strange whooshing noise, like a bicycle pump."
Turns out Judge Thompson was indeed an avid bicycle racer and entered many of the world's most famous races, including the most prestigious race of all, the Tour de Pants.
Judge Thompson, 58, whose actions were seen by the court clerk and others who had the great misfortune of wandering by the bench, retired when the allegations were made public. He said he'd use his free time to play more golf, which he's very good at, although his golfing partners say he has a highly unusual grip.
He now faces criminal charges of indecent exposure after investigators said they found semen on the carpet beneath his bench, on his robes and on his chair.
Judge Thompson reacted to those findings by having a cigarette and a nap.
Investigators also found the pump device in the judge's chambers. He told them it was merely a gag joke from a hunting buddy.
Anyway, writing an entire column about Judge Thompson's disgusting courtroom antics would be professionally irresponsible and a breach of journalistic values. So let's leave Judge Thompson and Mr. Happy Pump and turn our attention to the loving, romantic and now legal relationship in Chicago between Dr. Richard Phillips and a fellow doctor.
Here now, from the legal battle between the two doctors, is this excerpt from the actual news story published last Friday:
"Phillips accuses Dr. Sharon Irons of a 'calculated, profound personal betrayal' after their affair, saying she secretly kept semen after they had oral sex then used it to get pregnant."
I will now give you a moment to fully comprehend the meaning of that sentence and then, after that, another moment to spit out your coffee and shout, "Oooohhhhhhh, good God!!!!"
The result of the doctors' sexual encounter was a child, now five years old, whose first name is Dixie. Her middle name is Cup.
OK, I made up the name.
But I swear I am not making up any other part of the story, including the ensuing legal battle between the doctors during which Dr. Phillips claimed Dr. Irons had "stolen" his sperm to impregnate herself.
Last week, an Illinois court issued this actual ruling in the case: "She asserts that when plaintiff delivered his sperm it was a gift, an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property. There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned."
To reiterate, it was, by all legal definitions, a gift.
Which tells me one thing: If I lived in Sapulpa, Okla., I would definitely not invite Judge Thompson to my birthday party.
-- Listen to Rich Tosches Thursday mornings on the "Coffey and Alisha Show" on KVUU-FM, 99.9.