Although mostly, he quoted Peter.
Pastor Ted sure liked Peter.
Anyway, I'm back and will be writing each week for the Indy. I made the move because of its dedication to journalism and because the editor said I could use swear words if they were crucial to the story and if I didn't act like a juvenile when I did it. I really like that son of a bitch.
So today in an intelligent, mature way we begin anew, sizing up serious issues as we await the return of County Commissioner and lifelong bachelor Douglas Bruce from yet another poor eastern European nation, this time hopefully with a young bride who he was able to purchase so he can "get some" once in a while and be less of a curmudge ... curmmudgeo ... uh, prick.
In this endeavor we gaze into the future of our village and not the past. We won't for example, waste time on the mind-numbing story from a few weeks ago about the whiz kids who run Colorado Springs Utilities.
These are the folks who can't seem to find a way to keep tons of stinking human waste from regularly gurgling down Monument Creek into Pueblo (city motto: "We Sound Funny Because We Have These Clothespins on Our Noses"). They also can't find a way to keep our streetlights on without rummaging through our pockets. But they did find something in the past 20 months: a way to pile up a stunning $5.2 million in travel expenses.
Here to explain the $5.2 million in travel costs run up by CEO Jerry Forte and his band of big-tippers (a $5.2 million tab, by the way, that will be paid by a group of poor dumb bastards known as "us") is spokesman Steve Berry: "The nature of the utilities industry is that some travel will always be required."
Berry would have said more, but he dropped his $16,000 global satellite phone into the surf while trying to retrieve Forte's golf ball, which had been snatched by a California harbor seal near the 16th hole at Pebble Beach, where the entire 300-member Utilities management team was attending a six-week seminar on fiscal responsibility.
And there's no reason to dwell on how our own U.S. Rep. Doug Lamborn (R-GrandparentsWereCousins) suddenly discovered Pikes Peak a couple of weeks ago.
"It should be a national monument," said Lamborn, who then paused to watch a fluffy cloud, a cloud he told reporters looked like "an elderly woman blowing a fish out of her trumpet."
Lamborn was asked whether the Pikes Peak gimmick was just a way to divert attention from the threatening letter he sent to a Colorado Springs couple who questioned his fundraising practices. The congressman said it was not. Then he threatened to kill the reporter who asked him the question.
And we won't look back to Sept. 10, the day the IRS ruled Focus on the Family can keep its nonprofit status, saying that when Focus cult leader Jim Jones, I mean Jim Dobson, endorsed Republican candidates, he did so as a private citizen and not as the head of the silly religious group.
When the IRS ruling came, Dobson speaking as a private citizen from the balcony at Focus headquarters that overlooks the marble piazza where 800,000 of his followers had waited a week for a glimpse of him suggested to the people they might want to cheer.
And so they did, many rejoicing so loudly they blew out their central processing systems and had to switch to a backup PowerPC microchip in their necks to find their way home.
Anyway, it's nice to be back.
Oh, and sorry about all that Ted Haggard nonsense. He actually did call me. Quite often. But frankly, I have no idea which apostle or disciple he likes most.
Although I did hear that Ted really loves John.
Especially if Idaho Sen. Larry Craig is in the next stall, tapping his foot.
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