Note to readers: this story was written as part of our April Fools' Day package. Enjoy accordingly.
Honored at this year's Grammy ceremony as the "Artist Most Likely to Have a Yoga Pose Named After Him," Sting has been booked to perform with the Royal Philharmonic Concert Orchestra at Red Rocks on June 9.
Experts note that, even though every breath Sting takes at the venue will contain 17 percent less oxygen, his mastery of pranayamic breathing techniques will keep him in peak condition as he performs numerous hits from his beloved repertoire.
The former Gordon Sumner first came to prominence with the Police's 1978 hit "Roxanne," in which he told the titular character, "You don't have to put on the red light." While this was widely assumed to be a reference to a prostitute in Paris' famed Red Light District, that's not actually the case.
In fact, Sting came up with the line while vacationing in Los Angeles. The British rock musician was surprised to find that, in addition to driving on the wrong side of the street, it was also legal for Californians to make right-hand turns at stop lights.
"I remember sitting in the rental car," Sting recalled in a later interview, "and suddenly realizing, wait a minute, you don't have to turn on the red light."
When asked why the lyric on the record is actually "put on the red light" instead of "turn on the red light," Sting insisted that it isn't.
Needless to say, the fact that Sting will be performing with an orchestra is a source of great excitement for all involved. When initially informed about the tour, Philharmonic Maestro Steven Mercurio could barely contain his enthusiasm.
"What, really?" he said, before quietly going back to trimming his hedges.
Tickets for "An Evening With Sting" — which is a real event, by the way — range from $50.50 to $180.50 (plus service charges) and are non-refundable.