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Footing the GOP's heavy-handedness

By Jimmy Breslin

What's the matter?" Christ was asked. "My feet. I'm not 33 anymore and they're going to have me out until I can hardly take a step."

Christ was talking about the start of the political campaigning when the Republicans trying to stay in office have started dragging Christ everywhere, and they will have him out there on the road right up to Election Day.

"The public wants to hear politicians talk about their religion," the Republican message went out to all members.

Straight off, here was George Bush in West Virginia:

"God bless you. And God bless America."

Here was Cheney in someplace, I don't know where he was and he didn't seem to know, either:

"God bless the United States of America."

That was just the start. They are going to go right through to November. From every podium will be heard:

"This nation is under Jesus Christ!!!"

Christ was asking, "Don't they bother to look at me?"

"To see what?" he was asked.

"My feet. I walk on bare feet. Do they think of that when they schedule? They better look at my feet. If they cared, if they had any compassion, they would see my bare feet." In an effort to save their jobs, Bush and Cheney are calling on Christ to walk with them all through the Low IQ states, Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina, Louisiana. That is where Bush half smiles or smirks, it is hard to tell which, and he says Christ and waves his arm and the crowd screams: "Jeeee-zus!"

Then Bush calls for capital punishment. The crowds scream. "Kill. Kill. Kill."

And Christ is saying, "They go in all these churches, but do they ever look up once and see a crucifix? That's how the religion was started. It was an execution. Now they use my name to call for more executions? Bush never looks up at a cross. Would he know what he is looking at?"

Bush says that Christ is on his side on abortion, late-term abortions, same-sex marriages, stem cell research. "Do they think any of this is as important as a mother who can't feed and clothe her children? I don't know where he gets it all from," Christ said. "I never said anything like that in the Scriptures."

He does not like it a bit when they claim they kill in Iraq in his name. They say they are killing for both America and Christ. Everybody should be in favor of that -- Christ waging war in the sands to protect America. They say he is helping them kill guerrillas and insurgents and thugs from other countries. Outside agitators!

"They are Iraqis," Christ was saying. "They are residents. They act on free will. We are going to see about that later. But I do know that mortals on Earth can't have me killing for America. Or doing anything for America alone. Try using me anywhere in America. Tell people in the mountains in Wyoming, or on a parkway in Memphis. But they cannot say that I am only with America. God bless America. But God blesses Jordan, too. And Syria. And Israel and Palestine both. And I say to you that God blesses Iraq. Watch out, if you think you are the favored people. There are none!"

Most disgusting is looking out at one of these big dinners in Houston, where they raise millions and a couple of thousand people sit there formal and up on the dais, George Bush, who insists that Christ is with them, chews.

Now you look out at the thousands and see every white jaw moving with him as one. Chewing on filet mignon. White mouths in white faces. Tucking meat against the jowls. They have spent $3 million to eat all at once with Bush. They have napkins ready. Steak juice down the chin.

God bless this meal. God bless my teeth. God bless America! They use strange language. They are calling Christ's name and it is about killing Iraqis, cutting welfare, controlling women's bodies and cutting taxes for these wealthy at the dinner.

From the dais the crowd is told, "We give you your tax money back and you let it get down to the poor folks when you think they need it! God wants you to have this money. If he didn't want that, then he'd have made you poor and you sure aren't poor, so that means God wants you to have money. Big money in the name of God."

Hearing this, Christ said, "I wonder if they ever looked at what I said about the rich having an impossible time getting into heaven?"

Then he said, "I know one other thing they never looked at. Not one of them."

"What is that, Lord?"

"Look at the color of my skin. See for yourself. My color is nowhere near theirs."

-- Jimmy Breslin's column appears in Newsday. Domestic Bliss will return next week.

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