Raise your hand if you've fallen asleep in your wheelchair on the porch of an abandoned Hooters restaurant in Florida and woken up to find a young woman biting your face really hard.
OK, then. I guess it's just Milton Ellis.
Seems Milton, 69, met a 22-year-old woman. She suggested he might get lucky that night. And if being bitten on the nose, ears and neck region by a crazy woman claiming to be a vampire is lucky, well, Milton could be the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. You know, now that Lou Gehrig is dead.
From the actual news story about poor Milton: "He said he had fallen asleep in his electric wheelchair on the porch of a vacant Hooters in St. Petersburg. He awoke to find Josephine Smith on top of him."
Frankly, I can't believe there's a vacant Hooters anywhere. Have you had their wings?
In other news last week, a guy in the southern Mississippi town of D'Iberville (town motto: "H'uh?") stole two lobsters by stuffing them down his pants.
Police said along with the live lobsters, Nathan Hardy, 35, had also stuffed a pork tenderloin and two bags of jumbo shrimp down the front of his pants —- marking the first time anything jumbo had been in Nathan's trousers.
D'Iberville police chief Wayne Payne (his office is on Main) said the man tried to escape by throwing the pork loin at store workers who were chasing him. Then he fell down and people sat on him until he was arrested.
Film footnote: That, as you movie buffs know, was the original story line for the 2001 hit Ocean's Eleven, with Brad Pitt running from a store with just shy of a dozen lobsters, shrimp and haddock in his shorts. (Thus the film's title.) But at the last minute, George Clooney decided to go with the stupid plot about stealing $150 million from a Las Vegas casino vault.
Sadly, the lobsters' powerful crusher claws had been secured by heavy bands prior to being placed in Hardy's pants, his penis was not injured and, if history tells us anything, it will likely end up in one of the Kardashian sisters.
Speaking of fascinating women, prosecutors in Amsterdam last week charged a woman with stalking after she called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times — 14 more times than our own highly respected Republican U.S. Congressman Doug Lamebrain has accidentally called black people "tar babies."
And in San Diego — here it should be apparent that I've abandoned any attempts at segues — a person dressed as Gumby tried to rob a 7-Eleven store.
Gumby, as you know, was a goofy animated clay cartoon character, like former Colorado Springs Mayor Lionel Rivera.
In the San Diego incident, Gumby told the clerk he had a gun. But, perhaps because of his gigantic green thumbless hands, Gumby was unable to produce a gun. Instead, he dropped 26 cents on the floor, panicked and lumbered out the door and into a waiting getaway mini-van.
(Police said the accomplice was not Gumby sidekick Pokey, but went on to point out that Pokey is also the nickname for all of the Kardashian sisters.)
Now we are moving on very much with Per Johannson in Sweden, who found a drunken moose in a tree, don'tcha know? Officials said the moose was probably drunk from eating fermented apples and became lodged in the branches.
Johansson said the moose appeared to be "drunk or half-stupid," and I think you know what that means: That's right, today the moose is being loaded onto a plane and will be the keynote speaker at the next American tea party rally.
But waking up to find a drunken moose in a tree is one thing. It's entirely different from being a TV weatherman in Arkansas and waking up last Sunday morning in a bathtub with a dead guy.
Police in Little Rock had plenty of questions after that happened to KARK weatherman Brett Cummins. He said the dead guy was a casual friend named Dexter. They had been doing cocaine. Police said Dexter was not, technically, naked. He was wearing a dog collar.
And while I don't have time to list all of the investigators' questions, I bet this is one of them: Good Lord, what did they do with the poodle?
Frigging priceless, dude.
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