Thousands of people think our own state Sen. Dave Schultheis, R-ThatFurryThingOnHisHeadJustGrowledAtMe, looks a bit odd. Like a grown-up version of that kid with the banjo in Deliverance.
People point out that when Dave's kindergarten class auditioned for Snow White in the Christmas pageant (now the Festival of Snow That May or May Not Coincide With the Birth of Some Unspecified Individual), future senator Dave was picked as Dopey. All five years.
Insiders say that during a secret meeting in August, the rest of Colorado's state lawmakers — they'd sent Dave to the hardware store for a left-handed monkey wrench and two buckets of steam — voted unanimously that on any winter outing Dave would definitely be the one to get his tongue stuck to a frozen metal pole.
It's possible our highly esteemed senator from Colorado Springs might think writing those kinds of things is cruel and ignorant. To which I would say, hey, I'm busy doing jillions of things during the day and sometimes I can't analyze every single word.
Schultheis, as you know, used that "jillions of things" line last week to explain why he mocked the dead passengers of 9/11's United Flight 93 in his attempt to criticize President Barack Obama.
Schultheis tweeted — or as he actually called it, "twitted" — the following on Nov. 10: "Don't for a second think Obama wants what is best for U.S. He is flying the U.S. plane right into the ground at full speed. Let's roll."
"Let's roll," as every American except Schultheis apparently knows, was the final rallying call of Flight 93 passenger Todd Beamer as he and others stormed the cockpit.
Schultheis, and I am not kidding about this, actually claimed his message was not intended as a reference to the disaster and that he was in no way comparing Obama to the terrorists and that "let's roll" just means let's get it done.
That explanation caused his many faithful Colorado Springs Republican followers to nod in agreement — although it's possible many of them were just trying to shake the mousetraps off their tongues.
Then he said he'd been busy with the "jillions of things." I've obtained a copy of his list. Here's an excerpt:
1 jillion: Make fun of Mexicans.
1 ka-jillion, 999 bazillion: Speak about ongoing U.S. military conflicts; work in phrase "camel jockeys." (If crowd responds favorably, slip in reference to French as "cheese-eating surrender monkeys.")
1 ka-jillion, 999 billion: Outline plan to reduce dependence on "towel-head oil" and create our own energy by forcing gypsies to run on gigantic hamster wheels.
1 ka-jillion, 999 billion and 1: Cite scientific studies from "somewhere" that prove Canadians are 48 percent lazier than the Irish.
(Here was No. 14 on my own list of a jillion things to do that day: Watch Gazette publisher Steve "Kiss My Ring" Pope fight back tears and sadly announce more newsroom layoffs while fanning himself with $100 bills from his own actual $30,000 corporate bonus.)
Last week's Schultheis Moment was not the first, of course. In 2006, after three members of the Bustillos family were killed in a car crash in northern Colorado, Schultheis asked if the female driver was "the child of parents in the U.S. illegally? Or was she here illegally?"
Earlier this year — and you cannot make up stuff like this — Schultheis said he hoped babies born to AIDS-afflicted women would also have AIDS. Given a chance to back off, he said this:
"What I'm hoping is that yes, that person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that."
And yet, somehow, we were all too busy back then to wait in the parking lot and hit him on the back of the head with a hockey stick.
Not that I'm condoning that, but I'm busy doing a jillion things today and sometimes I don't analyze every single word. So maybe instead of saying someone should whack this jackass — that's what Keith Olbermann called him on MSNBC, and it fits — at the base of the skull with a hockey stick, I should have said, "Write a letter to him expressing your disagreement."
Although frankly, I keep going back to the hockey stick.
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