Two weeks ago, I was gazing absently at clouds and spotted a congregation of what, undeniably, was a pack of grizzly bears. I knew then that Colorado Springs is facing catastrophic doom, that an invasion of beasts will bring this city to its knees.
Then, last week, I was enjoying a bowl of soup at a local Chinese restaurant. I looked more closely at the wontons floating about and clearly identified them as alien heads. I quickly deduced the obvious: A hostile UFO is headed right toward Colorado Springs. We are in mortal danger.
So I wasn't surprised in the least when, just after Hurricane Katrina hit, a South Carolina group called Columbia Christians for Life announced a direct tie between God unleashing His wrath on New Orleans, and abortion. The proof? A satellite image of the hurricane looked to the group exactly "like a fetus (unborn human baby) facing to the left (west) in the womb, in the early weeks of gestation (approx. 6 weeks)."
It went on to say: "Even the orange color of the image is reminiscent of a commonly used pro-life picture of early prenatal development. In this picture, and in another picture in [the Aug. 30] on-line edition of USA Today, this hurricane looks like an unborn human child."
Just why would a fetus attack New Orleans? Duh.
"Louisiana has 10 child-murder-by-abortion centers -- FIVE are in New Orleans," Columbia Christians for Life concluded.
And then there came this "explanation" of the horrific disaster from Repent America, suggesting Katrina hit in the nick of time.
"Just days before 'Southern Decadence,' an annual homosexual celebration attracting tens of thousands of people to the French Quarters [sic] section of New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina destroys the city," the Philadelphia-based outfit reported on its Web site at repentamerica.com.
"'Southern Decadence' has a history of filling the French Quarters [sic] section of the city with drunken homosexuals engaging in sex acts in the public streets and bars," the site continued. " Hurricane Katrina has put an end to the annual celebration of sin."
Repent America director Michael Marcavage added: "Although the loss of lives is deeply saddening, this act of God destroyed a wicked city. From 'Girls Gone Wild' to 'Southern Decadence,' New Orleans was a city that had its doors wide open to the public celebration of sin. From the devastation may a city full of righteousness emerge."
Marcavage wasn't done.
"New Orleans was also known for its Mardi Gras parties where thousands of drunken men would revel in the streets to exchange plastic jewelry for drunken women to expose their breasts and to engage in other sex acts.
"We must help and pray for those ravaged by this disaster, but let us not forget that the citizens of New Orleans tolerated and welcomed the wickedness in their city for so long. May this act of God cause us all to think about what we tolerate in our city limits, and bring us trembling before the throne of Almighty God."
Not to be outdone, Agape Press, which claims to bring us "Reliable news from a Christian press," reported at its Web site (agapepress.org) that the Rev. Bill Shanks, pastor of New Covenant Fellowship of New Orleans, long predicted that "God's judgment would be felt" if Christians there did not rally against sin, sin and more sin.
"New Orleans now is abortion free," Shanks was quoted as saying. "New Orleans now is Mardi Gras free, New Orleans now is free of Southern Decadence and the sodomites, the witchcraft workers, false religion -- it's free of all of those things now. God simply, I believe, in His mercy purged all of that stuff out of there -- and now we're going to start over again."
Meanwhile, here in Colorado Springs, weary refugees are trickling in, welcomed by family members as well as complete strangers. City leaders, especially councilmen Richard Skorman and Jerry Heimlicher, are working tirelessly to find havens for traumatized survivors, whose harrowing tales of making it though the catastrophe are only beginning to be told.
So far, our city leaders haven't done one damn thing to protect us from the imminent threats of grizzlies and aliens.
May God spare them. May God spare us all.