Editor's note, 9:20 a.m., July 29: A spelling correction to the name of Focus' spokeswoman, Monica Schleicher, is reflected below.
After some recent publicity in the Denver Post, Focus on the Family's Facebook page has been flooded with attention, adding more than 15,000 fans for a total near 67,000.
By comparison, some people have used the social networking website frantically for more than a year in a sad and pathetic bid for human contact and have acquired only two or three "friends" — and have even been threatened with legal action if they continue this pursuit or "stalking" behavior.
But enough about me. Let's get back to the Facebook frenzy being stirred up by our village's own Focus on the Family, the conservative Christian outfit so staunchly opposed to homosexuality that even its circular arguments are straight.
Focus says its Facebook page is a way to modernize the delivery of its message, a message that says, basically, that God loves every person. You know, within reason. And while the Everlasting Father's love is as vast as the ocean, the Almighty is particularly fond of people who give $500 a month to Focus via an automatic monthly banking transaction. (And a stack of $20 bills stuffed into a plain envelope makes the Creator absolutely giddy.)
Anyway, Focus has relied largely on radio to get its message out, and as spokeswoman Monica Schleicher told the Post: "Radio doesn't exactly scream modern."
And I think we all agree that when you think of the word "modern," you should think of Focus on the Family. This week, for example, Focus unveiled a brand-new way for the woman to walk 10 steps behind the man without spilling any of the water from the bucket she is carrying on her head.
Let's take a look now at some of the actual "friends" of Focus on its Facebook page.
Here, for example, is a partial list of "likes" from actual Focus friend Kimberly, of Indianapolis: "It's called grammar, use it," she writes, followed by "IF I SPOKEN TO MY PARENTS HOW KIDS TALK NOW DAYS I'D BEEN KNOCKED OUT."
Tom from Celina, Texas, says he likes Focus on the Family and goes on to tell us, "There are only two states Texas and not Texas," that OBAMA stands for "One Big Ass Mistake, America" and that young people should "PULL YOUR PANTS UP, You look like an idiot."
My own personal "likes" include people like Tom from the great state of Texas who visit Colorado each winter and ski very fast. Really close to the trees.
Focus friend Scott of Chicago lists among his likes: "Sarah Palin" and "Creation Science Evangelism." Creation science, as you know, denies the existing of widely accepted scientific facts such as the age of the planet Earth, the existence of evolution and how Levi Johnston knocked up Bristol Palin on a snowmobile.
Here in our own state we have Focus friend Lynne, who lives in Littleton but came from Kentucky. Her list of "likes" is very long and includes Focus on the Family along with: "I BELIEVE THAT GOD IS AWESOME!! ... Being Conservative ... I'm in America, I shouldn't have to 'Press 1 for English' ... Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits ... The Bible ... Sarah Palin ... I LOVE MY HUSBAND ... Bubble Wrap ... Not Having Barack Obama as President ... Family Feud."
Personal note: Last week, I wrapped myself in bubble wrap and watched Family Feud while eating handfuls of Red Lobster cheddar biscuits and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face for three days.
Shannon from Chickamauga, Ga., is a really big Focus fan and says she likes "Daily Bible Scripture" and then — you can't make up stuff like this — she writes: "I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy."
Bible scholars believe Squishy was the nickname given to Noah by the animals in the ark on the 26th day of the flood. (The Bible says all of the animals then began to laugh, and the hyenas couldn't stop.)
Oh, and the Focus Facebook site has an actual page where you can click a "Believer" tab. I clicked on it and God immediately sent me a billion new friends.
Right now they're out back, hopping all over the place and devouring my lawn.