Just when you think El Paso County Republicans couldn't possibly look any more ridiculous, along comes state Senate candidate Jaxine Bubis, thrusting herself into the political arena — thrusting faster now, her alabaster thighs quivering beneath Diego's quickening rhythm, trembling hands gripping his smooth, taut buttocks, thrusting back and forth ...
Yipes. Excuse me for a moment while I think about baseball or County Commissioner Peggy Littleton.
OK then. Back to Jaxine Bubis, one of the candidates who emerged from our local Republican Party (motto: "Senator Paula Deen" Has a Nice Ring to It) to challenge Democratic state Senate President John Morse in a recall election. Bubis is also the only candidate to write pornographic fiction.
(The other candidate, former Colorado Springs City Councilman Bernie Herpin, is so old-fashioned he ordered two hot dogs for lunch the other day, and when one rolled onto the other he threw a glass of ice water on them to break them up.)
Here now, an actual excerpt from Bubis' novel, Beantown Heat: "Unbuttoning her sweater. Hands on her breasts. His tongue bringing her nipples to hard peaks ..."
Here most bright and progressive El Paso County Republicans are wondering, "Hard peaks? You mean like Pikes Peak and Mount Elbert?"
From our local daily newspaper, the Denver Post: "In addition to 'Beantown Heat,' Bubis has written a series of romantic novels with hockey and military themes." Which gives a whole new meaning to the phrases, "He shoots, he scores!" and "Wanna find out why they call me staff sergeant?"
Morse faces a recall election because he supported tougher Colorado gun laws. The Einstein-like members of our local GOP believe that if God wanted to restrict gun use, why did He give everybody a trigger finger?
So the recall effort began and Bubis quickly eyed an erection. I mean election. Her writing career was uncovered by Colorado Springs mega-gun dealer Paul Paradis, who led the petition-signing move against Morse.
"I was absolutely aghast," Paradis told the Post. "This is a person supported by the Christian right and conservative lawmakers."
And I think I speak for everyone when I say when it comes to morality, I would like to be lectured by a guy who sells assault rifles.
Paradis said if Bubis were to become the GOP nominee in the recall election, our village would become the "butt of jokes nationally and fodder for late-night comedies." Local evangelical pastor Ted Haggard said he would comment on that right after he was done definitely not rubbing oil on another guy's genitals again.
Anyway, Tuesday night local Republicans were scheduled to figure out whether Bubis or Herpin would be their pick. But at this point, you're probably wondering when I'll get back to actual excerpts from Beantown Heat, and I say now is as good a time as any. (I might add that until now, when I wrote about nuts I was referring to Mayor Steve Bach and city attorney Chris Melcher.)
From possible state Sen. Bubis' writings, and I am not kidding: "Her hands lingered as she rolled the condom down, enjoying the feel of his ---- in her hands."
Here some of you are wondering, "What is a ----?" (Except for the Mormons, who are wondering, "What is a condom?")
Bubis issued a statement to the Post explaining her career: "Ten years ago, as a stay-at-home mother who was helping to contribute to support our family, I took creative-writing classes" that resulted in the smutty romance novels.
Which is — and I think you'll agree with me — still a lot more respectable than scrapbooking.
Bubis has been endorsed for her Senate run by members of the Rocky Mountain Gun Owners, some of whom, as I understand it, read her book and then accidentally discharged their snub-nosed revolvers while cleaning them, if you know what I mean.
A final passage from Bubis' novel: "And when Michael ripped off her panties and lifted her onto his ----, Maryann had to stop reading."
I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but suffice it to say neither Michael nor Maryann was allowed back into the library.
Rich Tosches (email@example.com) also writes a Sunday column in the Denver Post.