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Greased lightning 

Selecting a single highlight from 4 Winds Tavern's weekly bacchanalia known as women's oil wrestling is a task best left to a highly trained professional journalist.

Unfortunately, The Gazette's Rich Tosches was unavailable.

You might think you've seen it all after watching Cañon City's Jessica Martinez (nanny by day, wrestling matriarch by night) warm up the crowd by delivering leather belt spankdowns to three drawer-dropped members of Fort Carson's 33rd Calvary division. But this spectacle of sado-masochismo was not quite as remarkable as ...

The loving, artisan-like application with which retiree Norm Rousseau applied an entire bottle of baby oil to the Rubenesque frame of a wrestler known only as "Felicity." In a prolonged auction, Rousseau forked over $30 for the privilege, and his lacquering job was carried out to the tune of Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA."

And you thought there was no night life in Fountain.

The oil-down auctions precede the main event, which is, of course, the wrestling -- or "wrasslin" as 4 Winds master of ceremonies Tom Robles pronounces it. Carried out in a blow-up kiddy pool, what women's oil wrestling lacks in body slams and chair smashing, it more than makes up for in giggling, flailing and routine respites for the adjusting of bikini tops and the picking of wedgies.

The true high mark of the night however, came when Keith Schulz of Ft. Carson's First Mobilization Brigade doffed his cowboy hat, among other apparel, until he was clad in nothing but his Fruit Of the Looms. Schulz was one of two lucky lads to win a raffle and with it, the choice of taking on any or all of the 4 Winds wrestlers. A true soldier, Schulz elected to face the entire coterie.

Whether it was to even the score, or to make sure his hands didn't take any liberties, Schulz was handcuffed for the duration of the bout. Though he performed admirably, he was held in check by the four women, led by the inveterate Chay, whose day job often finds her tackling steer in eastern Wyoming.

A helpful hint for future male participants: No one's paying to see your oil-saturated tighty-whities. So be prepared, have mercy and wear boxers.

-- John Dicker
photo by Creighton Smith

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