Favorite

Holy war over porn 

Today we will discuss Focus on the Family's unhappiness with adult movies being shown on Marriott hotel televisions. To kick things off, here are just a few of the disgusting, perverted titles: "Country Girls," "School Mom," "Doctor's Lady," "The Handyman," "Men Will Be Boys," "The Preacher Takes a Wife," "For the Love of Blanche" and a particularly disturbing title, "The Runaway Caboose."

Oops. My mistake. Turns out those are and I am not kidding actual names of episodes of the popular 1970s family show Little House on the Prairie, and we are all now going to burn in hell for thinking they were titles of porn movies. (Footnote: The exception is local District Attorney John "Roll Out the Barrel, We'll Have a Barrel of Fun and Then I'll Drive Back to the Office" Newsome, who will not be joining us in the traditional fiery hell but will instead be going to a special hell eternity at a Mormon picnic.)

Speaking of Mormons, the Marriott hotel chain with the adult movies was, oddly enough, founded by devout Mormon J. Willard Marriott and is currently owned by his descendants. They, too, are devout Mormons, a group historically so opposed to viewing nakedness that women are not even allowed to watch TV until their honeymoon night, when they're alone and in bed with their husband and the other 12 women, many of whom are putting the pillows over their ears and saying, "Could you two make it snappy? Some of us have to get up in the morning."

The point here is that Focus and other conservative Christian groups believe God didn't intend for people to be naked, except for obvious times such as bathing and going through airport security. In their argument, the religious folks point out Adam and Eve and the passage in Genesis 3:7: "And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons."

Bible scholars believe it was Adam who wanted the apron. Unfortunately for him, the idea came one day after Eve wanted flaming cherries jubilee. (Adam was so inspired by that experience that he later wrote the famous Christmas song, "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.")

Because we're too stupid to decide for ourselves what to watch on TV, Focus and its followers who mostly watch re-runs of The Dukes of Hazzard unless Hee Haw is on have demanded the adult movies be eliminated at Marriotts. Tom Minnery, Focus on the Family Action's senior vice president of government and public policy and head of the group's elite anti-witchcraft unit, said this: "Pornography feeds prostitution and sexual abuse. And it's especially dangerous in hotels because it can become addictive and create a sexualized climate that puts men, women and children at risk."

In response to this epidemic caused by Marriott movie channels, sex-addict rehab clinics have sprung up all across the country. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, recovery is based on a 12-step program. (For men, all 12 steps toward recovery involve thinking about Barbara Walters. Female addicts report great success when they think about Tom Minnery.) And I don't know what a "sexualized climate" is. But if it's anything like global warming, experts say that by the year 2045, every polar bear on earth will have received a nice back rub from conservative Christian Ted Haggard.

(If you need more proof that Minnery is right about this porn thing, I'd point out that if TV evangelists and conservative Christians Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart had given in to the lure of pornography, they probably would have rolled around with a lot more mistresses and sweaty hookers than they did.)

And so I, for one, am getting behind Minnery and Focus founder James Dobson on this one. (Although I'll maintain a safe heterosexual distance because the last time I "got behind" Dobson, he whirled around and pepper-sprayed me.)

Really, from now on I'm only going to watch wholesome, family shows on TV, especially the ones from the really harmless 1960s and 1970s. Shows such as Daniel Boone.

Although the song lyrics "Daniel Boone was a man / Yes, a big man / The singin'est, laughin'est, happiest man the frontier ever saw" make me wonder.

rangerrich@csindy.com

Comments (4)

Showing 1-4 of 4

Add a comment

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-4 of 4

Add a comment

Latest in Ranger Rich

Popular Events

More by Rich Tosches

Most Commented On

Top Viewed Stories

All content © Copyright 2015, The Colorado Springs Independent   |   Website powered by Foundation