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Jesus, Peter and my husband 

A look at the funniest, stupidest and most absurd votes from this year's Best Of voting

We realize we're probably inviting a ballot-load of tomfoolery next year by highlighting some Best Of 2009 write-ins that made our CEO, Fran Zankowski, chuckle while he tabulated this year's winners.

But it's worth it. And let's be realistic — that's Fran's problem.

Even if you thought only one or two other people might read your clever and sardonic ballot entry, you took the time to share your humor, which we appreciate. So we've taken your joke to the masses. Thanks, and stay bitter, friend.

Say 'no' to socialism

Let's begin with a philosophical and civic query: the category Reason to Vote this November. Of course, this category brings out the best in inter-party bickering: "To get rid of those pesky Democrats," and "Kicking Republicans when they're down." But our favorite answer is a comical lament: "Dang Forner, can't vote." Sorry, alien hombre, when so many who could vote choose not to, and you, who can't, wish you could ...

Anyhoo, next up are two categories that always elicit memorable responses: Public Fool and Colorado Springs Claim to Shame.

For Public Fool, we received many a predictable vote for local politicians and figureheads. A standout went, "I have two picks: Dr. Dobson and Lola Spitfire." Distaste for both religious fervor and burlesque, delivered in the same breath. Impressive.

Be not forgotten, "OCC guy with bird on hat." Someone, west-sider or otherwise, clearly doesn't dig your dome cover. And "Ex-lawyer runner in orange shorts who yells all the time," someone's on to you. (A personal aside: I, too, have had this jogger shake his fists and scream at my car.)

In addition, "Peter," you should know, dude, you're really an embarrassment to us all.

Also, "Drug users," could you all stop bringing the Shame? Put the pipes, prescription pills, alcohol bottles, super-caffeinated beverages and pot brownies down, once and for all, and send a positive message out to our neighbors: "We're totally not as effed up as we used to be (twitch, twitch), man."

Finally, to the person with a giant chip on his/her shoulder over the "Upside down N on sign," we have no clue what the hell you're talking about, but keep regulatin'. These wacky signs have got to learn one day ...

Will you bury me?

And now to some quickies.

For Category We Forgot: "Gayest man in town." Noted, big boy.

For Place to Get Your Hippie On, two oddities outside the predictable Manitou Springs radius: "The 711 bathroom next to the Bijou St. Denny's." (Uh huh ...) and this friendly reminder, "Fuck hippies." (Of course! How could we lose sight of slandering this tie-dyed, dreadlocked demographic while querying about their preferred habitat? Indeed! A finger in the air to those patchouli-scented Bob Marley wannabes.)

And how 'bout marriage? (God, this is starting to read like a bad stand-up routine.)

For Outdoor Place to Pop the Question: "Ask my husband, who never proposed." Sorry, darlin'. And for Indoor Place to Pop the Question: "Delivery room at Memorial," and "St. Francis, 3rd floor" [the birth center]. Yup, forget the romance; just shore up not being murdered by your future father-in-law first.

Returning to the topic of famous local people, we loved two answers in the Person We Can't Believe Lives Here category: "My ex-sister-in-law" and "Jesus Christ."

"Jesus" also made an appearance in the Person Likely to Leave Us category, along with "God," "My husband," "Me" and "Brenda." (No! Not Brenda!)

But our favorite answer in this category, and our favorite funny vote overall, says a pre-emptive goodbye to "People in old folks homes."

— Matthew Schniper

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