Mayor Helen Klanderud
City of Aspen
130 S. Galena St.
Aspen, CO 81611
Dear Mayor Klanderud:
I'm going to assume you are familiar with Aspen's reputation as an alpine playground for the peripatetic bourgeoisie. I am less interested in debating the validity of this stereotype than providing a solution that will enrich the city and myself.
You see, I am an official member of the white working class. My speech, diet, political and aesthetic sensibilities exist in stark contrast to even your most preposterous citizens. In fact, at this very moment I am writing under an unfiltered fluorescent light while wearing two garments bearing the logo of a popular NHL franchise.
Just as universities sponsor a poet-in-residence, so might Aspen accommodate me as your official proletarian-in-residence. For my room and board, I am willing to sit in on podiums, panel discussions and political debates. I am even willing to lead guided tours of my authentic working class home, complete with an entirely non-ironic exegesis on the 2nd amendment, non-dairy creamer, the merits of plastic sofa coverings and all-you-can-eat country buffets.
Please understand that I am courteous, articulate and entirely non-threatening. Nevertheless, members of the elite classes find me quaint and fascinating. From a public relations standpoint my residence would be a win-win. Your city could maintain the illusion of diversity, while I could haul in some serious dough.
I look forward to working with you.
1: Acronym for National Hockey League: professional hockey league closely followed by members of the white working class