Ms. Kelly Schulz
399 South 8th Street
Colorado Springs, CO 80905
Dear Ms. Schulz:
Hoping you might settle a longstanding office quarrel.
Over coffee, beer and a few unmentionables, I've argued that the substances used to pit your hair against the forces of wind, gravity, and good taste can't possibly be of commercial origin.
In a seemingly unrelated matter, I have several kitchen tiles that refuse to hold. Despite the finest of grouts, spackles and ice cream sundae toppings, they still find their way to freedom.
Kindly disclose what it is that keeps your hair so firmly in place and whether or not I can obtain it without federal certification in the manufacture and handling of Class A. Toxins. This information will not only allow me and my colleagues to move on to more pressing matters of discussion -- like if it's humanly possible for Lionel Rivera to be as boring as he appears -- but will solve a thorny home-improvement issue as well.