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Kenneth Cleaver 

Consumer Correspondent

Kenneth H. Cleaver

P.O. Box 1034

Colorado Springs, CO 80901

November 26, 2003

Loews Hotels

Attn: Metro Man Makeover

667 Madison Avenue

New York, NY 10021

Dear Loews:

I have a few questions about your Metro Man makeover package.

I'm extremely interested, but only if you can guarantee that my personal shopper, hairdresser, and other advisers are 100 percent gay. The last time I trusted a straight man for fashion advice, I wound up with a fanny pack around my sweat pants. The last time I trusted a bisexual for anything beyond vegetarian recipes, I found myself in a sweat lodge.

Also, within my resident state of Colorado, the bar for metrosexuality is astonishingly low. We're talking Will Ferrell low, Jack Black low, even, yep, Michael Moore low.

Therefore, I'm wondering if there might be a slightly diminished makeover package available to the Rocky Mountain metrosexual who wants to court female attention while avoiding successive ass-kickings.

Please advise.

Sincerely,

Kenneth H. Cleaver

click here to read Loews' response

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