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Kenneth Cleaver 

Consumer Correspondent

Kenneth H. Cleaver

P.O. Box 1034

Colorado Springs, CO 80904

May 25, 2004

Hallmark Greeting Cards

Attn: Director of Editorial

2501 McGee

Kansas City, Missouri 64108

Dear Hallmark:

My father recently outsourced his lawn's care to a landscaper. This is no minor event. The sprawling, sublime and ridiculous rug of greenery, crab grass and dandelions is something the old man cherished and despised in equal measure for over 25 years.

While it has hosted several games of touch football, Frisbee sessions and lawn darts (the dangerous kind), its primary function has been as a repository for the feces of white-tailed deer. And now its care is to be turned over to a stranger.

Naturally I am racked with guilt, but since I live several time zones away, I'm off the hook. This is for the best as I'm the only person I know who's crashed a sit-down mower into a house, twice.

However, I see the old man's abdication as being on par with other middle-class milestones: college graduations, retirements and suing your contractor. This is why you need to make a card. Not an ironic card, but one that befits the gravitas of the occasion. As you're in the emotion-supply business, I'll leave the details to you.

Please let me know if you can do it. I'd hate to have to write something myself as I prefer to limit paternal exchanges to assessing major-league baseball franchises.

Sincerely,

Kenneth Cleaver

click here for first response

Kenneth H. Cleaver

P.O. Box 1034

Colorado Springs, CO 80901

July 19, 2004

Ms. Jody Ellis

The Hallmark Team

Hallmark Greeting Cards

2501 McGee

Kansas City, Missouri 64108

Dear Ms. Ellis:

Thanks for your response of June 2, 2004. However, I think you misunderstood me as I'm not seeking employment with Hallmark. Not that I would mind moving to Kansas City, which just so happens to rank right up there with Karachi, Pakistan, and Basra, Iraq, as future residences of choice.

While I understand Hallmark does not take freelance submissions, I did not write seeking remuneration. If I were, don't you think I'd have used a nicer font?

I just thought that Hallmark should create a card to commemorate a special moment in the life of a suburban male.

I don't want any credit on this. I'm giving here, so please: take, take, take.

Sincerely,

Kenneth Cleaver

click here for second response

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