Mr. David Shaw
European Rubber Journal
Crain Communications Ltd.
34 Southwark Bridge Road
London SE1 9EU
Dear Mr. Shaw:
Despite my nonexistent work ethic, questionable grooming habits and deep antipathy for the outside world, my parents have decided that I am fit for a job.
I've done my best to counsel them against such a rash decision; after all, I'm only 31 years old. Sadly, logic has fallen on deaf ears and so, on threat of losing my beloved digital cable, I've embarked on a career in poetry.
While many might query The Paris Review or The New Yorker, I've decided it's more realistic to earn my stripes in lesser outlets; thus, I submit the following poem, Rubber Up or Else, for publication.
There once was a man from Brussels
Who liked to bed women with muscles
So soon he discovered
His manhood uncovered
Now it's teeming with bleeding corpuscles
I will accept no less than $2.50 per word and will NOT tolerate changes to the manuscript. Please let me know if you will be publishing my work. If not, an explanation regarding your decision will appease my parents more than you can possibly imagine.
I look forward to hearing from you.