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Kenneth Cleaver 

Consumer Correspondent

May 29, 2005

Anastasia Tours

46 Columbia St.

Bangor, ME 04401

To Whom This May Concern:

I'm having women trouble. I think you'll agree that my problem is unique in that it's owed entirely to my nearly implausible good looks. This sounds arrogant, I know, but facts must be faced and, really, I'm just hot.

As such, American women want only one thing from me. And they want it a lot. They're not interested in conversation, and they're especially not interested in hearing things like: Not now, No, and, Because if my blood doesn't circulate, I'll pass out!

I realize most men would kill for this problem, and while there's much to be said for casual sex, it does tend to get old after 16 years or so. At any rate, I'm definitely ready for a committed relationship with a woman who never would think to call me saddle bunny in public.

When I mentioned your services to my uncle, he said, Mail-order brides ain't what they used to be I remember when a fella could Sadly, it was here that he started mumbling incoherently before losing consciousness.

Anyway, I'm thinking that a woman from another culture might be how do I put this? Repressed is too strong a word. Perhaps chaste? Yes, chaste. Irrevocably and radically chaste.

Do you think what I'm asking for is realistic? Or will my aesthetic magnetism turn women, irrespective of their nationalities, into the same wonton vixens I've indulged for the better part of two decades?

I'd really appreciate your advice. I know I'm so much more than a saddle bunny.

Sincerely,

Kenneth Cleaver

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