September 28, 2005
Mr. David Neeleman
Chief Executive Officer
118-129 Queens Blvd.
Forest Hills, NY 11375
Dear Mr. Neeleman:
Please extend my congratulations to your pilot who avoided crashing Flight 292 despite some rather uncooperative landing gear.
Funny that I don't know this man's name but I sure can tell you that Britney and Kevin named their spawn child Sean Preston Spears Federline. (Fortunately, I can't tell you why.)
I'm terrified of flying, so I made a point of upsetting myself by following this story. I was, of course, delighted with its life-affirming conclusion, but was disturbed by a minor detail. As I understand it, passengers were denied satellite TV service for the last 20 minutes of the flight. Apparently they needed to brace themselves for a crash landing.
I put a lot of effort into denying my mortality. Not only do I buy fruit that has yet to ripen, but I've made travel plans as far as three months in advance. Television helps with all this. It helps a lot.
So I'd really like to know that my airline wouldn't pull the plug in my final minutes. I mean, what if I was in the middle of an Animal Planet documentary? Or absorbed in the yelling of Joe Scarborough? Or Bill O'Reilly? Or Katie Couric being gushy? Or Oprah being mushy? Or Paris being slutshy? That makes no sense, but you get the idea.
I trust that you will rethink your policies. Oh, and my best to your pilot. I hope he gets the secular equivalent of 72 virgins in paradise.
Sincerely, Kenneth Cleaver