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Colorado Springs, we apparently have a problem. Either your lives are boring as hell, or you're skittish and inhibited about sharing any private details even with the promise of anonymity.

For most of December, we asked readers in the paper and online to air "dirty laundry from '08." In return, we promised to print the "sauciest reader admissions" in this issue. We figured the responses might be plentiful enough to fill out a feature story.

Instead, we got exactly three submissions.

One came from an orgasmic 49-year-old woman, describing (albeit too briefly) having discovered the "joy of female ejaculation."

A woman who named herself Claire told us how her wealthy boyfriend surprised her with a vibrator for her birthday, adding, "There's nothing like a little jingle in your wallet to put a rattle in your loved one's pocket."

And finally, Lance admitted he has stolen all the "serious" women in his life from male friends.

That's it. So, instead of dirt on your neighbors and co-workers, we're left to highlight more updates of memorable stories from the past year, and a longer news piece on disturbing changes in massage regulation.

But no confessions. They'll have to remain deep, dark secrets.

Ralph Routon

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