The campus is teeming with students of the male persuasion and you're overwhelmed. How ever will you choose? Use our handy guide to determine who's who based not on personality, but on an even more accurate gauge -- their facial hair.
1. The Fred Durst
Always nearly bald. Usually fluctuates from a token soul patch to a full goatee/mustache combo. This guy is sensitive and intelligent, but he'll be damned if he lets you know that. Pass the Mickey's, yo!
2. The Bob Marley
Playful dreadhead with a soul/chin patch. Loving but not the most reliable. Smoketh the herb. Generally a great lay.
3. The Old Navy
Shaved as smooth as a baby's ass, but with razor sharp 'burns. Vain but good-hearted, loves his mother. Will make a good boyfriend with adequate training.
4. The Playa (sometimes masquerades as the Playa Hater)
No 'burns. Light mustache across upper lip, possible light beard. Will make you laugh your pants right off, but don't be all expecting a ring or some shiznit, bizatch.
5. The Goat
Short hair, long scruffy goatee. Can be lazy, scabby, cheap, angry and in possession of delusions of grandeur. Will eat all of your food and steal your CDs. Stay away.
6. The Koffehaus
Would die for Thom Yorke, wears turtlenecks. Often neurotic with sexual insecurities; will talk your arm off when not moping and reading Kafka. Be warned: Level of intelligence drops as length of chin hair increases.
7. The Jedediah
Kind, caring Phish phan. Can be clingy, has the sex drive of a stud horse, often immature. May have questionable personal hygiene.
8. Joe Average
Short burns, short messy hair. Often attempts things with hair gel. Might bore the living bejesus out of you in college, but will become your dream man when you're all grown up. Sweet, marryable boy.
9. The Swinger
Pointed, daring mutton chops. Vintage style, customarily sarcastic, loyal as Lassie once you catch him, but you have to be as opinionated as him to win. Purchase On the Road now.