We're all adults here, so I'd like to presume that most of us will be passing out candy to children on this upcoming Halloween. After all, no self-respecting, tax-paying citizen over 18 should be dressing up for what is, essentially, a holiday for children.
But just because you're a responsible adult, you shouldn't necessarily have to miss out on all the Oct. 31 fun. After all, we don't need to go house-to-house begging for candy. We have jobs and money! We can go to the store and buy as much candy as we want, and eat as much as we please, while watching the most horrible of horror films for as long as we wish. We can have a movie marathon, fueling up on Fun-Size Baby Ruths and 2-liter Mountain Dews, calling in sick the next day and sleeping it off in a high-fructose-induced coma.
Meanwhile, those kids have to go to school. Suckers.
Speaking of suckers: As I lay out a few new Halloween DVD options for all us adults below, I'll pair each of them with their most suitable type of candy. So, here goes.
Nothing says "adult" like Werther's Originals, so pair the beloved caramel hard candy with the reissue of Troma's Mother's Day. Being a Troma film, it's going to provide some of the most entertaining, exploitative garbage you'll ever watch. More of a dark comedy than an outright horror flick, the titular mom is an elderly harridan in a neck-brace who takes perverse glee in watching her two inbred redneck sons murder various campers.
If you're a little too hip for that, but still like your candy old-fashioned, why not suck down a Chase's Cherry Mash with Excision? Annalynne McCord of 90210 fame stars as a mentally unstable teen who has various erotic dreams about surgical procedures, delivering some of the most perverse medical imagery this side of a David Cronenberg movie. When her fantasy bleeds, literally, into her reality, it's a red-food-coloring nightmare.
Want traditional? Something you've had before and are happy to have again? Pop open a bag of Fun-Size Snickers and settle in with two of the lesser-known Halloween sequels, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. In both movies, Myers returns to Haddonfield to track down his niece Jamie. It's familiar, it's safe, and it's delicious as ever.
Too traditional? Then stick a pair of wax lips between your teeth and chew on the bizarre cult sequel Basket Case 3: The Progeny. Separated conjoined twins Duane and Belial, finding refuge at Granny's freak sanctuary, are about to encounter a new set of problems when deformed lump Belial becomes a daddy to a dozen similar lumps. When redneck cops start snooping, it's up to the human oddities to seek grotesquely hilarious revenge.
Finally, if you can't make up your mind, just invest in a 5-pound bucket of cheap candy corn and enjoy the cheap (and corny) All Night Halloween Party. Overflowing with old, grainy, nightmarishly un-PC cartoons from as far back at the 1930s, it's a tooth-rotting mess of old-school fun. Plus, it's on a continual loop, so when you finally pass out, it just keeps going and going, providing the perfect capper to the perfect adult Halloween.