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Murray's online posts 

Selected postings from independentspirits.net, at which Matthew Murray apparently posted under the name "Chrstnghtmr." Many users at the site commiserate about being brought up to live by the teachings of Bill Gothard, whose courtship advice involves passages of scripture such as "Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table."

Chrstnghtmr Sun Jul 01 2007, 08:27PM

Most people are stupid enough to believe that their favorite politician would never lie to them, or that their government would never dare break any laws (read about COINTELPRO), or things like "the bible is the only thing that's needed for education and the only source for truth." People are stupid enough to believe that they need to follow a pastor and that pastors can be trusted(i.e. Ted Haggard). Heck, there's even people who believe that they're going to be raptured up into the sky and that some guy died and rose again for their imaginary "sins" that they think everyone in the world is guilty of and that everyone who is not a part of their church/religion and/or does not "speak in tongues" or desires to have sex is going to a lake of fire. Ha ha ha all you stupid people can suck my ****....cause for me, if I ever get sick of it all, suicide is always going to be there......

Chrstnghtmr Thu Aug 09 2007, 09:21PM

This whole sex thing really discourages me. I didn't learn what sex really was until age 19....unfortanately not by hands on experience. I see all my friends and other people having sex, getting married and all while I can't hardly even get a date even though I'm in excellent shape and "groomed." I try to be nice and considerate and all yet I can never get a (female) date. I am at least able to get some male action but I wish I could just once be with a girl. It kind of sucks to be a young adult like this and to have never been with a girl.

Yeah, I know I suck and a lot of people hate me...but there is hope for getting laid by the end of this year.

I'm working with Marilyn Manson, Decide, Cradle of Filth, Slayer, and Slipknot on this one......and meditating on Liber OZ to come up with some solution, some way of getting laid with a female by years end.

I've realized that it really is all about the Beautiful People....all about everyone hating people like me who are the "horrible people." Telling us "you suck"..."you can't be this way"......all of this is your fault......all of this abuse you went through is YOUR fault...stop whining.....you're just trying to shock.......you haven't really been through anything......"and I don't want you and I don't need you don't bother to resist or I'll beat you, it's not your fault that you're always wrong...you weaker one's are there to justify the strong...."

These days I'm able to have full confidence when approaching girls..I know that all the power I need is within me and that I am my own God...I don't need Bill Gothard's or some Charismatic Jesus People evangelical holy spirit bull**** system to have confidence and success. I didn't know this as a homeschool sheltered teenage boy but I now know that much of christianity is just for the dominionists/Council for National Policy groups to get money and further their political agendas. It's just so that church leaders can get rich, have power over people's live and take in tithes(so they can go buy Meth like Ted Haggard did or something to that effect).

Right now I'm listing to this Marilyn Manson song that says:

"Your christian world is an ashtray, we burn and coil like cigarettes.....

the nature of the leeches.......the virgins are feeling cheated...you've only spent a second of your life...

my world is unaffected..there is an end to this...don't say it isn't it's true.....I went to God just to see and I was looking at me, Saw heaven and hell were lies.....when I'm God....

Scar scar can you feel my Power?"

I believe that as we ex-gothardites/ex-christians heal we ill get this all figured out......Time's going to wash away all pain....

Chrstnghtmr <http://independentspirits.net/user.php?id.155>;

Wed Oct 31 2007, 05:14PM

[ Advanced Independent Spirit ]

Registered Member #155

Joined: Mon Sep 04 2006, 11:37AM

posts: 27

So many people don't have any clue about The Nightmare we've grown up in. I mean, it's not my fault I was raised in homeschool for 12 f***ing years and that I'm not able to "socialize normally." How am I supposed to socialize and make new friends when I'm always left out of everything, and always made to be the outcast? I'm nice, I'm considerate, a lot of people tell me I'm intelligent and kind....so why the f*** must everyone think they have some right to abuse and reject me?

I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things. Never inviting me to all your fun parties, never inviting me to hang out. And no, don't say, 'Well, that's your fault' because it isn't. You people had my phone number, and I asked and all, but no no no no no don't let the weird kid come along, oooh f***ing nooo

Right now I'm trying to get laid and to finish up some sh**. Why the F**k can't I get any? I mean, I'm nice and considerate and all that s***, but nooooo.... it's not my fault I was sheltered my whole life and wasn't given a f***inkg clue about sex and dating.

No one really gives a f*** about me....everyone thinks they have it soooooo bad.... going to their little church, going to work, hanging out with their long list of friends that care, taking the life they have for granted......

I hate this f***ing world...You may be saying, 'Well, what makes you so different?' Because I have something only me and DyC, have, SELF AWARENESS...We know what we are to this world and what everyone else is...We know what you think and how you act...This isn't a world any more, it's H.O.E.(Hell on Earth)

We are the Nobodies.....

Today I am dirty

I want to be pretty

Tomorrow, I know I'm just dirt

Yesterday I was dirty

Wanted to be pretty

I know now that I'm forever dirt

Some children died the other day

We fed machines and then we prayed

Puked up and down in morbid faith

You should have seen the ratings that day

We are the Nobodies

We want to be somebodies

When we're dead,

They'll know just who we are

Chrstnghtmr Mon Nov 26 2007, 04:53PM

I remember as a child laying awake at night, terrified that I was going to "get left behind" for some childish bad thing I'd done or thought or some mistake I'd done. That was around age 8-12 and I would continue to have similar fear through my teenage years. I remember being terrified around year 2000 and always worried about this..."antichrist" who was going to somehow do all these terrible things to people who weren't "born again" AND had not lost their salvation/committed some sin. I'd lay awake at night and be terrified during the day asking over and over "what if I commit a sin, and don't have time to confess and ask God forgiveness and repent and get...left behind?!" "what if I'm in some sin that I don't even recognize and I get......left behind?" "what if I'm watching something on TV that's somehow a "sin" and Jesus returns and I get......left behind?" "what if I commit the unpardonable sin and get....left behind?"

Some days I'd even lay awake worrying that I had dropped a few cents while placing my 10% tithes into the offering plate or that I had miscalculated my tithes and....something bad would happen........

Then there was all the Eph 6:1-3 teachings which caused me to worry since no one could answer the question "what if a child rebels against a parent or pastor who is being abusive?"(no, not just a little strict or "setting some standards".........) and "why don't all these rules of non-violence and other rules apply to church leaders and parents?"

Another issue was the issue of music. Many of the christians and some of the church leaders and my parents said that ANY music "with a beat"(including Christian Contemporary and Christian Rock) was "of Satan and had backmasking" yet OTHER CHRISTIANS said that was nonsense and....BOTH SIDES used the BIBLE to back their side up...so........how the f*** am I supposed to even know what to do when no one could even figure out what is actually a sin in the "eyes of God" according to that infallible book....the bible.

End times? I so badly wanted to understand what it all meant...so I looked into it as a teenager and found out that there are at least 7 different views of "the end times" and....they all had....the infallible bible to support their contradictory beliefs of the "end times."

Just like Marilyn Manson, I'd often have nightmares about all this armaggedon mark of the beast antichrist "left behind" bulls***.

They considered me their "chosen prophet."(who was to become some international leader for their stupid dominionist charismatic Peter Wagner Bill Gothard pentecostal cult.)

All that insanity along with some other pentecostal/Bill Gothard doctrines at one point made me to want to die since......"there's no point in living anyways since I'm going to be left behind or end up in hell no matter what I do"....there might have also been some....uh...self-mutilation in all that too.

"I bash myself to sleep, what you (and your pentecostal friends) sow I will reap.....

I scar myself you see...I wish I wasn't me

I hate therefore I am....god @#%$ your righteous hand

I throw a little fit, I slit my teenage wrist

record me with your fist

the most I can learn....is the records that you burn

you want me to save the world...I'm just a little boy

....get your gun"

Chrstnghtmr Sat Dec 01 2007, 03:10PM

Me and this caller, "Devin on DMLive" were raised in homeschool and we both went through some insane stuff growing up in The Nightmare that outsiders just do not understand.

"Devin's" call begins at about 5:34 in the mp3 file from 2007-11-18 9 PM Central on http://dmlive.com/listenindex.html. <http://dmlive.com/listenindex.html.>; It's the second call in the 9 PM hour from 11-18-2007. Dawson Mcallister told Devin... "This is horrifying...."

Me, I remember the beatings and the fighting and yelling and insane rules and all the Bill Gothard bull**** and then trancing out...sh**......I'm still tranced out. I remember how it was like every day was Mission Impossible trying to keep the rules or not get caught and just....survive every single f***ing day. My mother's a f***ing psycho too, her and her whole church and christian family.

Of course people will say the usual fake answers "just stop being this way and be happy from now on..." "we don't have the time and the energy to give a s*** about you..." "you're not the only one who has it bad" "I had it a lot worse than you and I'm happy and doing great" "you're not popular you know...no one likes you very much"

I'll take Dawson's advice to Devin:

"it's almost like you've come back from a war and are having flashbacks" "ONE MORE, just ONE MORE bit of psychological abuse from your mother and you WALK, you are OUT THAT DOOR saying 'I won't live like this anymore EVER'."

I'm not getting any younger and it's time for the abuse to stop. Just because I'm not one of the "Beautiful People," just because other people don't understand or because I'm not "popular" does not mean I need to take any more s*** from anyone. Just one more bit of abuse....and I'm gone....

Listen to what Devin describes in his call...maybe it might help people who don't understand to.......feel what I feel

Cherish your life

Chrstnghtmr Fri Dec 07 2007, 11:33AM

Sounds like one of the Nobodies became a Somebody...sure he's still hated by everyone, that is obvious, but at least now he's a somebody.....and he's left a world that didn't give a sh** about him to begin with

Chrstnghtmr Sun Dec 09 2007, 02:57AM

This kid went through abuse in christianity just like me and my friends.....he was even intended to be their next "prophet"...just my church said to me.......that I was going to be a "prophet to the nations" for their christianity

We'll have to see how accurate their prophecy really is

Watch the video he made:

http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Ricky_Rodriguez_video

Sure, many christians will say "oh, that's just a cult" as if the pentecostalis/Bill Gothard/Charismatic crap I was raised in wasn't?

Ricky's words:

"I used to think a lot about suicide. It's, it actually, believe it or not, it should have started a long time ago. It should have started when I was fuckin' born actually, but, to tell you the truth, it didn't really start in earnest until the infamous Teen Training happened."

I had it good in many ways. I didn't get fucked in the !@#$%, you know, I was a guy. A lot of you girls, phew, crap, I can't even compare my stories with yours. But that's not what this is about. We're not sitting here comparingoh you got it worse than I didyou got it more times than I did- because its not about that. There's so many other kinds of abuse that went on, that to some of us were just as bad, some of us, to some of us it wasn't, and some of us didn't have it that bad. So I'm not gonna sit here and say "oh yeah, I had it the worst or I didn't" because it really doesn't matter. It should never have happened at all. To anybody. That's the point. So that's when I started contemplating suicide. And I've been fuckin' thinkin' about it ever since. Because man, goddamn it, after Teen Training!@#$%, it's like all hell broke loosewe're just never the same.

So now this is interesting because, um, I don't think most fam- other Family kids- can relate to this, because yeah, they were abused. But one thing I don't think they were that much is secluded. And that really can !@#$% you over, because if you don't have that, um, mirror, if you will, of other kids your own age, um, even kids older than you, you know, older siblings, whatever, friends, then uh, it really fucks ya up.

And I was reading, ah, reading an article about how there were, how some people say, it was one of those conspiracy things. Ah, ah, I can believe it- that it's possible. And who knows? Anyway, they were saying how they were doing experiments on prisoners in the States- in the States- for the last, you know, for the last 40 years or something. Um, about that, trying to see how they can break 'em, and then translate those findings into the general populace. Ah, modified of course. I don't know if it's true or not. It was interesting reading anyway. But that's what happened to me- not having that mirror of other people to hold up- and, you know, see how I would relate to them, you know those formative years, if you're only around fuckin' perverts, these people are fucked in the head and try to !@#$% you over. Wow, I didn't even have fuckin' TV for god's sake.

"Anyway, ah, so I always figured that, and I always still think about suicide, and I try to push it away. I'm successful for awhile, but it'd always come back. Started coming back more frequently, those thoughts, and uh, and I just, I just wanted it to end. That was my hope. And that was also my fear- that when I died I would just want to flatline and nothing else, cuz, I would not wanna have to go through in another dimension what I'm going through here, and what I had been through.

Now I'm not so sure about that. I don't really know what to think, but I think there's enough evidence, if you will, ah, to at least, uh, to at least make one stop and consider that we may not believe in God, but I don't, at least certainly not the Christian fucked-up God who's a big fuckin' dick that he wants to stick up everybody's !@#$%. But, but I don't know. I'm starting to think that life goes on- and that fucking scares me. That really does scare me more than anything because, cuz, I don't know, I don't want it to go on. I want it to just be over.

  • "Time's going to wash away all pain ..."

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