Mysteries of the Multiverse 

Or, why should only Andy Rooney get to ask all the pesky questions?

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How come little kids have to pass hours-long tests to convince lawmakers that schools deserve taxpayer support, but defense contractors are permitted to rake in our dough, no questions asked?

If there are thousands of galaxies in the Universe -- and not one -- why isn't it called a Multiverse?

If they can make silencers for guns, why can't they make a silent cappuccino maker?

If it's supposedly cool for men to drive around in cowboy hats, long past the age of "pretend," why isn't it accepted for women to go about dressed like ballerinas?

Why do we call it a "free market" when it actually means nothing at the local market will ever be free?

If dolphins are so smart, why do they let themselves get captured by Sea World?

Why are people so fascinated by, and intent on meeting, aliens from outer space when they blithely ignore and destroy the millions of strangely different species already sharing the earth?

Instead of spending bundles on tornado research, why don't they just bait and defuse them with decoy trailer parks?

If, as Christ said, our persecutors should be forgiven because they "know not what they do," how come they're so successful at it?

If there's only one tiny piece of pork and a mess of beans in pork 'n' beans, why is pork given top billing?

If the Pope is really infallible, how can he honestly make a confession?

How come bigots don't see that Tiger Woods is simply God's way of mocking every last bastion of white male exclusivity?

If natural foods don't have any additives, shouldn't they be cheaper than the lowest-priced, toxin-filled generics?

If Dr. Laura is such a know-it-all on the sanctity of traditional families, why isn't she home cooking or ironing her husband's shirts instead of spending all that time on the air?

With all the documented misery in the world, how come science can't come up with a safe, non-addictive substance that induces sustained euphoria -- or does our economy need mass discontent to drive mass consumerism?

Why are gay parades condemned for being too gay but the Shriner and Kiwanis parades are never criticized for being too straight?

Why is it deemed demonic to end an unborn life "unnaturally" via science, yet considered heroic to prolong a miserably long life "unnaturally" via science?

Cats normally catch and eat birds or rodents -- never shrimp. So how come you can buy shrimp-flavored cat food, but not mouse-flavored?

Since there are so few Native Americans in Cleveland, wouldn't it be more accurate to name their baseball team the Polish-American Fat Guys?

Do you know anyone who has actually heard Steely Dan's Grammy-winning album?

Rebekah Shardy is a freelance writer living in the Springs.

  • Or, why should Andy Rooney get to ask all the pesky questions?


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