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Lose weight now: ask John how

Let's talk about fat -- yup, belly hanging, big butt, flabby arms, lumpy thighs, loose clothing, don't-look-in-the-mirror fat.

You've got it, don't you? And even if you don't, you think you do, especially if you're female. And if you're a guy, you secretly know you're pretty gross -- that's why you don't use the locker room at the health club.

And so, as a normal American, you think about losing weight -- Atkins, Pritikin, South Beach, whatever -- and sometimes you do, but mostly you don't. You know that if you exercised, and cut out the cheeseburgers, chocolate bars, and brewskis, you'd be godlike, but somehow you just can't do it ... it isn't easy, is it?

Well, I have good news for you! After careful analysis of state-by-state obesity rates, I've found the magic bullet -- a simple one-time, five-minute procedure that, if enough of us in Colorado are willing, we will be fit and healthy for life!

You think this is some sort of come-on, don't you? You think I want your money, right? Nothing could be further from the truth! Let's do a little elementary statistical analysis.

Colorado, you'll be happy to know, is the nation's least obese state, with a mere 17 percent of the population in the super-sized category. Other slender states include New Jersey, Hawaii, Connecticut, Massachusetts, California, Maryland and Rhode Island, all with obesity rates of less than 19 percent. Mississippi's the porkiest state, with 27 percent, followed by Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, South Carolina and Virginia.

Statisticians will see a glaring anomaly here, especially those who follow politics. We should note that all of the fat states are strongly Republican, while all of the skinny states, except Colorado, are 100 percent down with the Donksters. Absent Colorado, we could establish a conclusive link between political affiliation and statewide obesity rates.

But maybe we still can -- let's look a little more carefully. Since 1992, every state has seen a sharp increase in obesity rates, but Colorado, at a plus 114 percent, is way ahead of the pack.

And what has happened in Colorado in the last 12 years? Massive (no pun intended!) in-migration of Californians and religious conservatives, which has substantially changed the political complexion of our fair state. Remember in 1992, we had a Democratic governor, as was one of our two U.S. senators; now, all three are Republicans. Clearly, increasing obesity is either a consequence or a cause of Republicanism.

So, my Republican friends, let's reverse the process! This November vote the straight Democratic ticket, and, if the Dems win, our obesity rate will plummet and you'll lose weight!

And that, my friends, is an impeccable rendition of statistically valid nonsense. You know instinctively that it makes no sense, and you suspect (correctly) that I've manipulated the data to strengthen my case. But if it were a campaign ad, I could defend it with pride; in fact, it's more truthful than most.

So as the pols and their handlers start their quadrennial yowling, just compare their claims with the above, and use your built-in B.S. detector. For example:

Multitrillion-dollar deficits don't matter.

Abolishing estate taxes and radically cutting income taxes for the super-rich benefit you and me (because, I suppose, the rich can afford to hire more servants).

The Arctic National Wildlife Reserve is a "howling wilderness," so we ought to go ahead and drill.

Colorado's TABOR Amendment is: a) creating a slow-motion fiscal disaster unparalleled in the state's history or b) such a good idea that California ought to adopt it as a way out of their own fiscal crisis.

Colorado Democrats are: a) just pining away for some tired political retread like Gary Hart or Wellington Webb to run against Ben Campbell and lose respectably or b) might actually work their tails off for charismatic newcomer Mike Miles because he reminds them of Hart and Webb when they were underdogs running against smug, arrogant establishmentarians.

John Kerry is a) a genuine war hero, a man of unshakeable integrity, a serious, thoughtful senator who'd make a great president or b) a rich, snobby, out-of-touch, Jane Fonda lovin', anti-war, ultraliberal, gay rights-supporting abortionist.

George W. Bush is a) a firm, resolute, principled wartime leader and patriot who is already a great president or b) a draft-dodging deserter, a liar, and a hired pimp for his corporate buddies.

So go with your instincts ... for me, it's simple. Bush and Kerry went to Yale. Yalies suck. Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper went to Wesleyan, as did I.

I'm writing in Hickenlooper.

-- jhazlehurst@csindy.com

  • Lose weight now: ask John how

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