He's 51, never been married, likes dogs and Chinese food, and is looking for love. The way he sees it, he's just Ward Cleaver looking for June, with a goal of having a Wally and a Beav.
Though colorful stories abound about how anti-tax activist, failed politician and landlord Douglas Bruce has implored people to set him up with women for years, there is something downright unsettling about seeing him advertising for love online.
Last Sunday, Rocky Mountain News columnist Penny Parker outed Bruce's pursuits, directing readers to www.kiss.com to check out a side of the acerbic author of the Taxpayers Bill of Rights that the public rarely sees. (The online Lothario has also posted a very similar ad on www.excite.com.)
Over the past decade, Bruce has attacked politicians, journalists and even the people of Colorado when they failed to elect him to political office or support many of his increasingly hard-core tax-cutting proposals. Online, however, Bruce doesn't talk about any of that. Instead, he plays up his current income ($150,000-plus) and indicates his classic Saturday night date is dinner and a movie. The slightly overweight "Ward" wants to start a traditional family. And from the looks of it, he's being pretty dang picky.
"I'm a financially independent real estate investor (selling out ASAP), and don't need a second income, but would like a first family with Ms. Right -- now childless but family- oriented, bright, attractive, sexy, weight proportionate, under 39, cheerful, literate, solvent, and ready for love. Please include a PHOTO with your response.
"I am seeking a partner, not a competitor or someone who needs rescuing. I'm older (51), if not wiser, taller (6'2"), politically libertarian/freedom-oriented, with a dry sense of humor and sentimental and idealistic streaks -- a soft touch for a good cook. I quit practicing law years ago because I don't respect the system. I like old buildings (saw many in Spain last month, and Belize in January) and old movies. I like classical music most, but also board games, cards, pool, and bowling. I appreciate home cooking and other domestic talents, fidelity, and intimacy.
"I have a wry, dry sense of humor (Twain, Monty Python, Robert Benchley, etc.) I'm well-educated (recovering attorney -- quit years ago) -- strong but kind -- somewhere between tender and well-done -- honest to a fault. Non-evangelical, non-denominational religious beliefs.
"My photo [posted alongside the commentary] is distorted by the email transmission. It is not red or shiny.
"I admire courage and creativity. That's what it will take for you to forego your age and area limits and answer this ad.
"P.S. I plan to build a vacation home on two acres 75 yards from the ocean in Belize in a few years -- how's your papaya stew?"
The playboy did not return an Independent query on the success of his pursuits, but in her column Parker wrote that Bruce berated her, furious that she had come across his publicly-posted personal ad.
"If Douglas Bruce just had his June, then think what Colorado would be today," noted former state Rep. Marcy Morrison, who admits she is carrying around a copy of the personal ad in her date book (no, she does not plan to respond). "All the years of misery and aggravation he has caused so many people, and when it comes right down to it, this guy is just a lonely heart."
Organizers expect all the usual suspects at the 10th annual Gay Pride Festival and Parade downtown this weekend -- including the bizarre homophobic protesters waving signs denouncing gays as abnormal abominations to God and all that blather. (Our favorite wears a hooded sackcloth.) Sooner or later, these people might get a life. But don't hold your breath.
Numerous city dignitaries will also be onhand in a show of solidarity at Sunday's all-day event. City manager Jim Mullen, Council members Richard Skorman and Judy Noyes, Colorado Springs deputy police chief Pat McElderry, the Gay and Lesbian Fund's Jan Brennen, Citizens Project's Greg Borom and the ACLU-Colorado Springs chapter's Phil DeCaro will all take the stage during opening ceremonies.
Longtime local gay activist Frank Whitworth, never shy to the spotlight, is this year's Grand Marshal and keynote speaker. "I was thinking of going naked and seeing if someone yells, 'The king has no clothes!' " Whitworth quipped.
As in the past, the Colorado Springs fire and police departments have reserved booths for Pridefest. But it is unclear whether our boys in blue will repeat their recruiting tools that proved the single most popular parade item last year. Then, cops handed out little foam, Nerf-type balls with the CSPD shield printed on one side and this eye-catching advertisement on the other: "Our men are well equipped, and they wear leather!"