This poetry's terrible, horrible ... TERRIBLE!
Which isn't that hard: poetry is unbearable.
We've got Shriners and whiners and bad kung fu rhymers
We've got young bards, avant-gardes, Hallmark cards, old-timers
We've got poems of football and clever acrostics
We've got waxers on cheese and love: all of them caustic.
There's one thing upon which we all should agree:
The only thing worse than bad: Good poetry!
The depths of the soul? That empty old crater!?
Let's get down to shallow: the worser, the greater.
The prizes? Like last year, an Indy T-shirt
Fitting prizes for sucking -- for being the worst!
--Noel Black Fust Prize
I'll surely be fust
Cuz my poetry's the wust
-- John M. McCarty
The "Whoa, This is
Seriously Weird" Award
We do it for the kids
When you see a Shrine clown,
and he's doing his schtick.
Like making a balloon animal,
or a slight-of-hand trick.
He may be walking in a parade,
and entertaining the crowd.
He's not, just a funny clown,
but, a Shriner oh! so proud.
You see behind that grease paint,
and those funny baggy pants.
He's doing what he's doing,
to give a kid a chance.
A chance to walk,
and run and play.
To enjoy their life,
each and every day.
So when you see a Shrine clown,
my friend, have no doubt.
We're doing it for the kids,
that's what we're all about.
-- Jerry Proctor
The "Caustic Acrostic" Award
Indeterminate gender types,
Nudist fur protesters.
Defenders of a gay agenda,
Evangelists and church jesters.
Peak view advocates,
End growth agitators.
Noisy plane complainers,
Delivery pizza violators.
Every type of street person,
Nerds, techies and warmongers.
These are the good folks ... of my hometown.
-- Herman Gurule
The "Thank You For Expressing My Ennui" Award
TAKE THIS SPOON
MIX UP MY MIND
PICK UP THE FORK
POKE AT MY EYE
GRAB THE KNIFE
AIM AT MY HEART
FOR THE SECOND TIME
-- Ryan Getskow
The "Ha Ha, They're Already 5 and 2, Sucka" Award
Ode to the Denver Broncos
A team that was once so great,
Now plays each game on life support,
Clinton Portis runs with rigor mortis,
What a BUMMER.
Eight and Eight,
Six and Ten,
What's the difference there will be......
NO SUPERBOWL WIN!!!!
The "Rhymes With Wit" Award
Shit on the carpet
Shit on the soles of my shoes
I'm glad it's not summer outside
The house would be full of flies.
-- J. McKibben
The "Can You Tell I Read The New Yorker?" Award
Lost floating stars bump and drift in a
yellow pollen haze,
Symbols smudged away by small,
From soft balloons drooping flag like
at half-staff in the heat.
Shuffling feet hum passing by in four-
While applause supports the quarter beats
Encouraging the spirit of the day.
Later, Chinese chrysanthemums burst
and blossom overhead
Growing in the sky,
Raining flaming petals
Before our weary eyes
-- Sandra Korey
The "Duh, Gee Boss, Do Ya Think We Should Call This The Cheesy Award?" Award
To Whom It May Concern
Bright as the moon
You can lick it from a spoon
You can smear it on your feet
And frolic in the street
Soft, smooth and creamy
Ooh it is so dreamy
Can be flavored or plain
Hey get the mail
Oh it's from Jane
I am now so sick of cream cheese
I see it in my dreams
This poem really sucks
Oh who gives a f**k!
-- Rebecca Lawhon
The "What's With All These Cheese Poems?" Award
I like Cheese
Ally cheese as a friend
alike to cheese
is processed cheese
she is a fake of cheddar cheese
and the others are of cheese
-- Brett Bossert
The "Hot Lava From a Volcano" Award
Love At First Sight
I have heard before that love at first
sight does not exist
But how else can you explain a face
and a smile that you could never resist
A face with a glow as radiant as hot
lava from a volcano
And a smile that makes your body
tingle as if you were lying in
When I first looked into your eyes my
voice wanted to shout out in song
At that very moment I felt that nothing
in my life would ever again go
When I first touched your skin, it was
as if I was touching heaven itself
And when your lips first introduced
themselves to mine, I wanted
Now with every single breath I take,
my yearning for you grows
stronger and stronger
What I feel for you inside is so over
whelming, I am not sure if I can
take it any longer
Just reliving our few times together is
enough to consume my very soul
When I see you again I am sure my heart
will have nothing to do but explode
Day by day, just the anticipation of seeing you gets more and more
out of hand
The butterflies I get just thinking about
such a day is enough to drive me mad
I guess what I am trying to say is there
is a place for you in my heart
always and forever
For any woman that thinks she could ever
rid my heart of you, the answer is never
I have never in my life known something that could feel this right
That is because when my eyes first saw
you, I loved you at first sight
-- Ramesce Ray
There once was a man from Buchanan
Who knew all shots came not from cannon
But it wasn't the whiskey
That made him so frisky
It was yogurt created by Dannon
-- Elaine Curtis
The "Ph.D. Stands for
'Phenomenally Dumb' Sonnet" Award
Ode to APA
A writing style scientific
Psychologists say it's terrific
But, expressing only present-tense
History makes no sense.
Level headings obviate
Prose that may obfuscate.
Heading levels multiply,
Contending with the very sky.
10 to 12 for title length,
Brevity here is not strength.
Adverbial usage criticized,
Pronouns only need apply.
Odious in form and flow,
These manuscripts truly blow.
-- Debbie Rice
The "Low IQ Haiku" Award (Tie)
I had a pet frog
It died over the weekend
It won't croak again
-- Brett Bossert
La la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la
-- Brett Bossert
The "Don't Have a Cow" Award
The Angry Cow
[Mad Cow Disease]
I never met an Angry Cow,
I never hope to meet one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I'd rather meet than eat one!
(after Gelett Burgess' "The Purple Cow")
-- Guy Finamore
The "Never Bathe Again" Award
(Or: Somebody get me a Paxil, quick)
I was sitting calmly on a park bench,
When I was overpowered by your
Your bloodshot eyes were locked on
mine in a riveting stare.
I never noticed your greasy hair.
That aqualung exterior was somehow
I could not believe the attraction that
Your smile was full of rotting teeth.
Yet, I saw a beautiful person underneath.
I have never had much luck with men.
Your animal magnetism pulled me in.
Your clothes were soiled and full of holes.
But we were two predestined souls.
Brought together by the powers that blind,
We danced together in the park, forever entwined.
OH BABY -- OH BABY -- OH BABY
-- Barbara Loomis
The "Fowl Poetry" Award
Angelina and The Peking Duck
Angelina wasn't tall
She was small
5 foot 2
It would rhyme if her eyes were blue
But they were brown
Deep cocoa brown
Rich and soulful
The Peking Duck wasn't from China
He was the Goodwill ambassador
At the China Garden
Across the street from the bookstore
And around the corner from the Jewish Deli
He might have been a merganser
But I'm not sure that's a variety of duck
The Peking Duck loved to chase small
And delighted in their squeals of
When allowing them to pat his soft
I loved them both
Angelina and The Peking Duck
But my love went unrequited
Except by the duck
-- Donald T. Johns
The "Finally, Someone Has Expressed My Feelings About Gardening" Award
Ode to a freezin' fern
At long last the lawn
No longer needs a'mowing
And stubborn flowers
have now ceased growing
So good-bye coreopsis
So long lone rose
Let the garden have its deep repose
I recall a man who said
Till your own garden and
Be content I see now what he
must have meant
(He's long since dead)
I secretly exult when plants are
put to bed.
-- Chuck Emery
The "That's So Deep I Forgot to Feel" Award
Inner complexities of dynamic forces, played out while interacting at social functions, which could be misconstrued as sarcastic parody but in reality juxtapose sociological myths both past and present. Defining nothing.
If your identity is your clothing, wealth, gender, political beliefs, profession, sexual preference, religion, or possessions, then ... you have no identity. So sad, so sad.
-- Atomic Elroy
The "Bad Still Means Cute at Your Age" Award
Sometimes I have good days and bad days.
Sometimes I get my anger out and
sometimes I just freak out!
I am danger itself.
But you know as well as I do I have a
good side too
but good is not too much of me.
I love and hate my attitude
as well as you love and hate your
husband or wife or anyone you love.
So ok you must know how funny the poet is.
Just the day before yesterday,
I was playing basketball and
I stubbed my fingers and
I got really mad.
So I threw the basketball at a wall and
it bounced and hit me in the jaw
My jaw almost broke.
-- Christian T. Stair (Age 11)
The "Hey, Feminism Can Be Funny!" Award
My apron is my armor
I put it to the test
Each time I lift it over my head
and let it rest upon my chest
I am useless
A poor defenseless mouse
But, with it?
I am Wonder Woman!
Just watch me dust this house!
I'll bake a dozen pies for you,
I'll paint a portrait, maybe two!
But, if you're here and IT'S NOT
Then, of my tired old body beware!
For "Apron On"-be glad to see!
But, if it's off?
STEER CLEAR OF ME!
-- Kelly Hannah
The "Hey, You, Over There: We Must Fight!" Award
Bruce Has the Juice
he's my guy,
punchin' and kickin'
way up high.
Enter the Dragon.
Object of my affection,
You keep my tail awaggin'.
You say he's dead, you say move on.
A new kung fu hero? I'll definitely
Bruce is the master, even though he's
And Jackie Chan is a freakin' pain in the ass.
-- Julie Stumpff
The "Dude, Trippy" Award
Crunchy Eyelids Flaming
Yummy buckets fill my fridge
Eyelids have it
Burn a soul-kiss into my forehead
Smack a tree with my eyes shut
My poor car, a tragedy
Set aflame in all but glory
Crispy optics are my friend
-- Jonathan Martin