Any intelligent discussion of the U.S. Women's Open must begin with legendary golfer Babe Zaharias, who won the event in 1948, 1950 and 1954. That was after she changed her name from Babe Ruth, having played 32 seasons with the New York Yankees, and before she retired and walked around the country with Paul Bunyan, although it's possible I'm thinking of Babe the Blue Ox.
The point is, this week our village hosts the finest women golfers in the world, and by world I mean "South Korea," women who pound the ball long and straight down the fairway, smack 5-irons to within a few feet of the cup and make the putt, all of which is technically impossible.
Anyone who has ever had the misfortune of playing golf knows golf balls are designed to go screeching off the course, generally to the right, where they break windows in expensive homes. The desire to get away from the angry homeowner with the fresh lump on his forehead led to the invention of the golf cart.
Anyway, the beautiful Broadmoor course will see tens of thousands of women's golf fans. Rumors indicate some of them will be lesbians. So here's a tip, if you're going: If the golf gets boring, and it will, just follow Steve Bach, our bright, progressive new mayor, around the course. Wait until two women in front of him hold hands, and then watch our mayor blow iced tea out of his nose and onto his Focus on the Family Handbook. (Chapter Six: Doctors Say Most Lesbians Have Rabies Because They Were Bitten By Gay Raccoons.)
Here now, some recent questions from a sampling of highly sophisticated Colorado Springs residents who have considered spending a day at The Broadmoor watching the 66th U.S. Women's Open.
Q: The Gazette newspaper says I should have a loaded firearm with me at all times. Can I bring my gun to the golf tournament? Can I shoot a goose? Can I shoot a fawn? My momma makes a great casserole from a road-kill rabbit, hickory leaves and chalk.
A: Leave the gun at home. In a recent LPGA survey, 78 percent of the golfers said nothing makes them flinch during the backswing quite like the sound of a squirrel being knocked out of a tree by a .357 magnum.
Q: How about if a bear runs across the golf course? Shouldn't I have a gun for that? My momma makes a fine stew from bear, muddy creek water and lead paint. Did I mention the lead paint?
A: Seriously, no guns! Oddly, however, the last time a major event came to The Broadmoor (that was the 2008 U.S. Senior Open), a bear actually did run across the course during the tournament. National TV replays made The Broadmoor even more famous than it already was. (At a news conference five hours after the incident, Broadmoor president Steve Bartolin remained groggy from the tranquilizer dart and was still wearing the furry feet from the costume.)
Q: Yesterday I made 2,000 "Michele Bachmann for President" signs to share with other fans at the tournament, while my five children (ages 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5) crawled around on the kitchen floor eating cookie crumbs and licking the ant cups. Can I bring the signs to the golf course?
A: You won't be allowed in with signs. And didn't Michele Bachmann recently confuse John Wayne the actor with John Wayne Gacy the serial killer?
Q: Maybe. I must have missed that. I was probably looking down the barrel of my gun to make sure it wasn't loaded. I'm from Colorado Springs. I'm a Christian. I make $136 a month in disability and give $100 of it to Focus on the Family. They said if I didn't give them the money I would go to hell. I live in a refrigerator box. What's golf?
A: Golf is a game in which the participants hit their balls with a long stick and keep track of how many times they do it. The smallest score wins.
Q: My husband hit his balls with a long stick just two days ago. He was walking under the bridge near our refrigerator box and accidentally stepped on a rake. Technically, was he playing golf?
A: Yes, he was. And for the record, he got a two on that hole.
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