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Ranger Rich

With just days left until the presidential election, perhaps you're still undecided and also wondering why an intellectual giant like our own U.S. Rep. Doug Lamborn didn't run for the Oval Office.

(I don't know. I do know, however, that President Doug would spend the first month wandering around that Oval Office, trying to find a corner.)

Seriously, you think President Barack Obama is a nice guy, but the economic recovery is dragging and maybe we need a change.

Or you feel that Mitt Romney has really nice dyed black hair. And his 47 sons don't talk too much because of the silver spoons in their mouths. And you'd like to know more about those secret Mormon underpants they all wear.

But you think Mitt is such a big liar you can't tell where he leaves off and Lance Armstrong begins. And you wonder how other nations will view our president each April when he slithers out from under the rock and sheds his skin. So today I have just two words for you: It doesn't really matter because in 10 years we'll all be speaking Chinese, assembling electric cars and being paid $3 a month.

No, actually the two words are Roseanne Barr. The comedian is on the presidential ballot — I am not kidding — as are other actual candidates including Virgil H. Goode Jr., who thinks the Quran makes a nice doorstop. And former Salt Lake City mayor Rocky Anderson, who says we can save the planet by using cold-water laundry soap. And adventurer Thomas Stevens, who lists among his exploits "a small plane fly-by of the leper colony on Molokai."

Because, and I think I speak for all of us here, nothing is quite as insensitive as buzzing startled lepers with a really big plane.

My point, and once again I do not really have one, is that next Tuesday you are not stuck with Obama or Romney. There are plenty of other choices.

Take Roseanne. Oh sure, there was that 1990 incident at a San Diego Padres baseball game when she sang the national anthem in a horrifying, screeching voice and then grabbed her crotch and spit on the ground. Frankly, who hasn't?

But Roseanne, a real candidate on the ballot with the Peace and Freedom Party, is also funny. For example, she was born in Salt Lake City to Jewish parents who pretended to be interested in the Mormon cult ... uh, I mean church.

From Roseanne: "Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning I was a Jew. Sunday afternoon, Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday afternoon we were Mormons."

By way of comparison, here is Mitt Romney trying to tell a joke: "So an Irishman, an Italian and a German are in a bar because their jobs were shipped overseas by Bain Capital ... oh wait ... never mind."

Also on the ballot and worthy of your consideration is that Virgil Goode fellow, who is currently 18,987,457th on the Mensa Club waiting list.

Or you could vote for Anderson, a former Democrat who says, "It is a gutless, unprincipled party, bought and paid for by the same interests that buy and pay for the Republican party." So at least he's not bitter.

Or Stevens, who believes we can best help lepers by gawking at them from airplanes.

But there are other actual candidates on the ballot, like Sheila "Samm" Tittle of the We The People party who wants you to know that when it comes to a Constitution and a Declaration of Independence, we have them.

Or Merlin Miller, who chose as his vice presidential running mate Harry Bertram, a locomotive engineer (campaign motto: "Choo-choooooo!"). They are from the actual American Third Position Party. (Personal footnote: I only know two positions and, frankly, only of them doesn't hurt my back.)

And let's not forget Socialist Workers candidate James Harris and running mate Alyson Kennedy, who once worked in a Colorado coal mine.

I'm voting for them. I'm thinking maybe vice president Kennedy will start a Save the Canaries movement by sending Doug Lamborn down into the mine first.

Rich Tosches (rangerrich@csindy.com) also writes a Sunday column for the Denver Post.

  • Next Tuesday you are not stuck with Obama or Romney. There are plenty of other choices.

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