Friday, October 22, 2010

Bonus CineFiles: Naked revenge, sleepy Mohicans and animated abortions!

Posted By on Fri, Oct 22, 2010 at 12:57 PM

Most weeks, I review more DVDs than the Indy can fit into print. Every week, you can look for extra write-ups here, on the IndyBlog.

Anchor Bay Home Entertainment

The cover of Stripped Naked got me visibly excited: it was tricked-out to look like an exploitative, trashy Grindhouse-meets-Russ Meyer homage that had the feel of last year's immensely entertaining Bitch Slap. Instead, I got a sexless, charismaless, talentless, z-grade, late-night, cable crime-flick that is as amateurish as they come, acting-wise, script-wise and direction-wise. Utterly unlikable stripper Cassie lucks upon a botched drug deal, running off with $90,000 and a brick of meth that she (and her pet lizard) plans to use to fund a trip to Paris. Of course, no one forgets about that much money and drugs, so a hitman tracks her down, along with her skanky ex-boyfriend, her skanky roomie and her skanky club-owner boss, who all just have to get involved in the unbearable proceedings. Luckily, you, the viewer, have the choice to not get involved at all. Lucky.

20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

The whole time I was watching Miami Vice director Michael Mann's critically-acclaimed The Last of the Mohicans, I just could not keep my eyes open. It took at least three time for me to finish it, and every time a struggle. To me, it was The Last of the Mo-ZZZZZZZ-Cans, am I right, guys? Ahem. Based on the even more boring novel by James Fennimore Cooper, Mann stylistically glams up the 1700s with a well-chiseled Daniel Day-Lewis as the adopted Mohican trapper Hawkeye, who constantly runs through the forest, screaming and hurling hatchets at Huron warriors who've kidnapped the aristocratic daughter of a British Colonel. They, of course, fall in love as New Age Celtic music wails in the background. I know I'm wrong about this, as Mohicans is widely regarded as a cinematic masterpiece, but, sorry, it just didn't do it for me, and God knows I tried.

20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

What are the makers of Family Guy gonna do when America starts to see through its thin premise, recognizing that it's nothing more than a mixture imbecilic shock-value and constant references to '80s pop-culture? Of course, that's probably me giving America more credit than I should, especially when the whole “Hey, look! It's Optimus Prime giving Teddy Ruxpin a golden shower! That's funny! But I don't know why!” cultural vibe is stronger than ever. But maybe the fact that the abortion-themed episode, “Partial Terms of Endearment”, was banned from television and, instead, relegated to a lone DVD release, is a little glimmer of hope. Lois agrees to be a surrogate for a childless couple, the couple dies and she wants to get an abortion, but, when Peter gets “brainwashed” by Right-to-Lifers, puts his foot down, cue lame musical number. Like every other Family Guy episode, this one-off also belongs in a back-alley dumpster.

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