Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I love you, Beefy Crunch Burrito

Posted By on Wed, Jan 5, 2011 at 11:41 AM

While serving as one of our food writers, I sometimes horrify my co-workers with some of the things I'm willing to eat. Often, they're not even that bad, like the jalapeño-soaked boiled eggs from Tony's Downtown Bar.

But it's my unconquerable love of fast food and soda that is often my undoing, and another source of work-related revulsion. Don't get me completely wrong: I'd trade a smoked oyster for anything found in a drive-thru faster than my mouth can water typing the words "smoked oyster." But when you've just got to have ... anything, it behooves you to roll through those much bemoaned purveyors of cheap and easy.

And it's to that end that I happily declare that Taco Bell's Beefy Crunch Burrito is both the most disgusting combination of food-processed excess since the Big Mac/McRib combo I created one (wasted) night, and possibly the tastiest (and quickest) way to to introduce 510 calories, 22 grams of fat and 1,250 milligrams of sodium into your system in under four minutes.


The combination of beef, rice, Flamin' Hot Fritos, nacho cheese and sour cream (purportedly reduced-fat, for you weight watchers) is a study in textural contrasts; mush and crunch and artificial goo, and lots and lots of salt, pummel your tongue into submission. It's like PepsiCo — which owns Taco Bell, Pepsi and Frito-Lay — said, "Fuck it — put it all in." And holy shit, does it work.

The only thing missing? Fruit! But wait, what "snackified" fruit smoothie through yonder window breaks? It is Tropicana, and Tropolis is the drink. Roll that in your burrito and slowly digest it.

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