Wednesday, May 27, 2015

A desperate literary act to break the rain record

Posted By on Wed, May 27, 2015 at 12:56 PM

click to enlarge SHUTTERSTOCK
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If you're like me, you're not interested in having your plants destroyed (if they grow at all), your weekends rained out, and your basement flooded all for nothing. SO LET'S BREAK THIS RAIN RECORD, BABY.

According to the Gazette, we're less than half an inch from breaking the May record, set in 1935, of of 8.1 inches.

"The Colorado Springs Airport received .26 inches of rain from 4 p.m. Tuesday to 10 p.m. Tuesday with no report of precipitation after that time, putting this month's official rainfall total at 7.66 inches, said meteorologist Randy Gray of the National Weather Service in Pueblo," wrote the newspaper.

Naturally, the sky has taken this time to tone it down, so we're here to crank it back up in hopes of smashing the record and redeeming our meaningless lives. (Maybe just the first thing, actually.)

To that end, and with no reason or logic to back it up, I've pulled these rain-related quotes and modified them in hopes of convincing the rain to JUST FINISH US OFF ALREADY. Here we go:

• "But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. No idea why the just and the unjust need so much effing rain in the first place, but verily, there you go." — Jesus Christ

• "Tears of joy are like the summer rain drops pierced by sunbeams. Either way, you're crying and rain's involved." — Hosea Ballou

• "The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain. I mean, it's not like you're overwhelmed in options as it concerns weather control anyway, so you might as well embrace the horror." — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

• "Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you. Like an unwelcome summer rain, humor may suddenly flood your basement and ruin your wedding dress." — Langston Hughes

• "It will never rain roses: When we want to have more roses we must plant more trees. What it will rain is ALL THE WATER ON THE MOTHERF*CKING PLANET." — George Eliot

• "And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow. Or flood. Or potholes. Oh god, kill me." — Gilbert K. Chesterton



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