Bach to the rescue 

Ranger Rich

Well, well. Seems our village mayor is going to solve the homeless problem. Isn't that terrific? If his previous brilliant, cutting-edge, compassionate ideas are any indication, stay tuned for an upcoming announcement about the town's Just Buy a House You Lazy Bastards campaign.

From His Honor, as recently quoted by local media: "We are going to solve homelessness in this city while I'm mayor. Period."

That is a much more powerful political statement, for example, than, "We are going to solve homelessness in this city while I'm mayor. Semi-colon."

Of course, there is absolutely no chance that it will happen. Frankly, thinking Mayor Steve Bach will solve a great and complex societal problem is like believing our U.S. Rep. Doug Lamborn, R-OutToLunch, will, just once, not walk up to a door and yank vigorously on the handle just below the "Push" sign.

The last time Bach brought up this idea was about a year ago, proposing a grand campus of health care and emergency services for the homeless, a campus that would definitely not be located near the downtown area, a campus he dubbed Sunrise Village (motto: "The Farther East the Better").

That idea went over like a Rubik's Cube or New York Times crossword puzzle at a tea party meeting. ("Hey Bobby Ray, which way is across?") It quickly died for a host of little reasons such as:

• Our village is broke.

• Not to mention dysfunctional.

• Our City Council meetings look like a casting call for Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

• Eighty-six percent of our village's residents believe Mother Teresa was just another "#%^&*@ liberal."

Mayor Bach's latest call for an end to homelessness was greeted by boos, cat-calls, people throwing their shoes at him and a 15-minute chant of "Bach is a nutcase." And that was just from City Council.

Seriously, people who actually work with the homeless said the mayor's proclamation that homelessness in our village will end during his term — less than 20 more months, thank you Jesus — was, well, not likely.

"We've been trying to do that for eight years," Ecumenical Social Ministries boss Carolyn McDole told the Gazette. "Solving homelessness ... if the meaning is we have no more homeless in our city, I don't know how that can be done."

Speaking of the Denver-billionaire-owned local daily newspaper — whose editorial board members have sores on their lips from years of kissing the mayor's rump — the Gazette folks thought so little of the plan that they nearly rose from their usual kneeling position behind the mayor, writing that "leaders in the homeless outreach community" were "deeply skeptical" such a plan could ever work. You know, if the mayor actually had a plan, instead of just his usual awkward, ill-prepared sound bite.

Following the Gazette's "criticism" of Bach, his office began backpedaling. From the G: "Through a spokesman ... the mayor softened his statement. Instead of solving homelessness by the end of his term, he called for a 'definitive, coordinated plan' with service providers for addressing it."

And this: "... Bach declined to offer a specific new plan to address the issue — rather, vowing an announcement by the beginning of 2014."

On a related note, I hereby call for a definitive, coordinated plan to not elect another bag-of-wind, do-nothing mayor.

Anyway, insiders in the Bach administration say that when his newest plan falls apart, Bach will be ready to announce solutions to other problems.

In Project Where the Hell Is the Other Shoe? an out-of-town consulting firm is hired to end the common and heartbreaking sight of one lonely sneaker resting in the emergency lane of Interstate 25.

And Bach's Operation Sock Escape will try to end the problem of this foot garment getting out of the dryer. Preliminary studies conducted in the Lamborn household indicate the sock wads itself up and clings to the inside rear-end area of Doug's boxer shorts.

Which would explain that odd little walk.

Rich Tosches (rangerrich@csindy.com) also writes a Sunday column in the Denver Post.


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