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Loaded (R)
Allumination FilmWorks
Privileged rich-snot Tristan (Jesse Metcalfe) likes to take his partying too far, eventually hooking up with bulked-up drug-snot Sebastian (Corey Large) as they beat up Mexican drug dealers, shoot up a black drug dealer and commit other crimes against non-whites, all set to an irritatingly repetitive techno soundtrack. Loaded is the kind of teen-dream crime movie that the USA Network might have made in the '90s as alternative programming to Dawson's Creek. It's a laughably dated relic filled with ne'er-do-well pretty boys playing cops and robbers, like part of Tarantino's tween posse. Special notice goes to Large, who obviously thinks he's scarier than he is, totally forgetting that he once played "Enrique" on an episode of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. This DVD is Loaded alright ... loaded with crap. Louis Fowler

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Fog City Mavericks: The Filmmakers of San Francisco (NR)
Anchor Bay Entertainment/Starz
In the late '60s and early '70s, a new crop of filmmakers emerged. They eschewed the dirty-business atmosphere of Los Angeles in favor of the laid-back feeling of San Francisco, and eventually created some of the greatest films of all time. You know the names Francis Ford Coppola, George Lucas, Philip Kaufman, the guys at Pixar and director Gary Leva does his best to tell their story. It's a highly informative documentary and it deserves commendation for that; the problem is that with its choppy narrative and the self-serving focus of those like Sofia Coppola and Chris Columbus, it becomes a little too ADD for its own good. When it sticks to the classics, it's as good as a film doc can get. Too bad the parts don't equal the whole. Louis Fowler

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The Cook (NR)
Anchor Bay Entertainment
What if the publishers of Maxim decided to make a horror film? Even worse, what if a bunch of dudes who loved Maxim decided to make a horror film? Besides your DVD reeking of AXE Bodyspray, chances are you'd have the frat-boy cesspool that is The Cook. It's spring break for the girls of Lambda Epsilon Zeta, and the remaining few are stuck at the sorority house with nothing to do but smoke weed, act like Sex and the City rejects and attempt faux lesbianism. Meanwhile, a Hungarian cook shows up to feed them over break, but and here's the "horror" part he's a cannibal who kills off the girls one by one in spectacularly uninteresting and even more unentertaining ways. The Cook is one of the worst films I've seen in a long time, and like a truly bad meal, left me nauseous. Send this one back to the kitchen! Louis Fowler


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