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Colorado women: This dick’s for you 

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It’s called the Pink Tax — while earning less, women pay more for clothes, dry cleaning, shampoos.

It’s called street harassment. While minding their own business, women around the world are forced to cope with catcalling, groping, hollering and other kinds of offensive, obnoxious behavior from men.

All too frequently, women leaders are seen as pushy, bossy and overbearing — or, heaven forbid, shrill — while male leaders with the same qualities are viewed as competent, assertive and bold. 

It’s called sexual assault and rape. And no, women don’t deserve it; no one asks for it, and it’s not their fault.

It’s called body autonomy: the ability to choose what happens to your own body. You have the right to say no, to decide who does and does not get to touch you, and to determine your own reproductive rights. Who cares what they say in Afghanistan — um, we mean Alabama.

All of it is enough to make women wish they had that great misogyny-muting multi-tool: a penis. (Note: This commentary on male privilege is tongue-in-cheek and not intended in any way to discount the discrimination faced by trans women.)

And do we have the product for you! We’re calling it Dicks for Business Chicks®. It has a ton of handy uses for women everywhere, without regard to gender identity. This dick doesn’t care if you’re cisgender, transgender, nonbinary, gay, straight, bisexual, asexual or queer.

If you’re tired of being subjugated by the patriarchy, this dick’s for you.

Tired of paying more at the checkout or at the dry cleaner? Use your business dick. Want to talk about a great idea in your next meeting? Don’t look for a male ally, just put your dick right on the table. Going in to negotiate your salary? Don’t forget your dick. It’s instant credibility!

Women are frustrated. Wages are consistently lower; women do the same work for lower pay. And for women of color, wages are abysmal. Hispanic women in our state make 54 cents for every dollar their white male counterparts get paid. (In the professions, women doctors, lawyers, stockbrokers, leaders see an even larger pay gap.)

It’s not small potatoes, either. The average pay gap between men and women in the state is $7,000 a year, says the Colorado Women’s Foundation. That’s almost enough to pay for an associate degree.

And it’s not going to get better any time soon. At the current rate, women will achieve wage equality sometime in the year 2057. (It’s definitely time for a business penis.)

It’s not fair; it’s not sustainable for the economy or for Colorado households. When half the population makes less, everyone loses. If women made the same money for the same jobs, the poverty rate would drop in half. Poverty for single mothers would drop by two-fifths, or 40 percent. It’s real money and it would make a real difference.

So, Colorado women: Buy a business dick. Pull out the penis (detachable, of course) and demand equal pay. Or during the initial job interview, put it on the interviewer’s desk, assuring you not only have the requisite skills, expertise and education — but that you also have a penis!

It’s useful in a wide range of annoying life situations: Just show your penis before the meeting starts and you don’t get talked over or talked down to. Pull it out when that handsy co-worker makes an inappropriate move. Use it on the street when a man tells you to smile or asks for your phone number. You have a penis; you’re automatically respected!

If we treat each other with respect, everyone wins. If we mind our own business on the street, it’s less frightening and invasive for women. It’s basic common sense. 

So get your Dicks for Business Chicks® today and start earning what you’re worth, going outside (even at night!) without worry and speaking up at that next office meeting. 

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