Dealing with TSA gropers 

Ranger Rich

In what is now officially the biggest news story ever, airline passengers continue to be angry about having their crotch or groinage areas searched by the Transportation Security Administration (motto: "Accidentally Touching More Balls Than Ted Haggard").

And it's not just the TSA gropers. We're also peeved at technology called full-body imaging that displays our private parts on a TV screen. I think you know how people feel when their personal areas show up on TV screens being watched by lots of people: That's right, they feel like Paris Hilton.

Personal note: On a recent trip through Denver International Airport, the body-scan technology clearly showed the daisies on my thong. It also appeared that I was trying to smuggle half a pencil onto the plane, although it turned out to be my ... well, never mind what it turned out to be.

If you don't want to be groped or X-rayed, DIA now offers a third choice: The Denver Broncos will put a ladder against your bedroom window and secretly videotape you getting dressed before you leave for the airport. The tapes are then viewed by no one, especially head coach Josh McDamnwelostagain.

What I'm trying to say is that if we want creepy strangers staring at or poking around at our vaginas, breasts or weenie areas, we will sign up for an Internet dating service.

Anyway, the TSA ("Handling More Packages Than FedEx") says it must videotape or fondle our genitals to prevent another incident like the one last December in which Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab boarded a plane from Amsterdam to Detroit with a bomb in his undershorts.

The bomb did not go off, which was good news for the other passengers, our national security and, of course, for Umar's testicles.

Religious footnote: Islamic scholars point to more than a dozen references in the Quran in which God calls for his followers to pack a pound of plastic explosives around their balls and fly to Detroit.

Scanners are used in other places. El Paso County's Judicial Center has utilized body imaging since 2007 because people headed for court appearances often try to smuggle in knives and other weapons to threaten, intimidate, rob and even stab another person in the back. But enough about the lawyers.

The point is that some in our village, which tolerates Doug Bruce, having our streetlights turned off and our public transportation stripped to one old woman pedaling a rickshaw, will not stand for the TSA groping our women's private regions and playing ping-pong with our testicles.

No, what we want is a private company groping our women's private regions and playing ping-pong with our testicles.

This effort to put our trouser squirrels in the cold, clammy hands of private security people is led by City Councilman Sean Paige, who hasn't formally announced his bid for mayor in 2011 but did say recently that he can see Russia from his house. (He and Sarah Palin also have the same initials. Coincidence? Perhaps.) Paige's problem is with the security people's demeanor as they grope or stare at images of our — and here I use the acceptable medical terms — vaginas, mammary glands and Mr. Johnsons.

Paige wants these people to be more cheerful. Because if there's one thing better than having a strange man searching you for a scrotum bomb, it's that strange man having a big grin on his face.

"The procedures will basically be the same but the attitude would be different," Paige told the Gazette. "I think people are very frustrated with the arrogant attitude they encounter going through airports."

If there's one thing our City Council hates, it's arrogance. Like building a $900 trillion water pipe from the Arkansas River without asking us, so we'll have plenty of water for the 500,000 people who are not moving here because of the astronomical utility bills to pay for the $900 trillion water pipe.

Although there is a way to save money. Under my proposal, we would consolidate the work of City Council and airport screeners by having them bend us over at the same time.


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