Finding "the one" 

Hey, single woman! Wipe that exasperated look off your face. If you're still fastidiously searching for the ultimate specimen of American manhood -- smart, financially secure, loves children, animals, and long walks down the kitchen aisles of Target -- then you should probably heed Cynthia Cerny's advice: Quit.

The Springs-bred author of Losers, Creeps, Jerks & Weirdos: A Dating Story, Cerny was once a world-class ice dancer and an assistant to corporate executives in Denver. She also spent two decades dating some of the most eligible and repulsive bachelors Colorado has to offer.

"There's plenty of men out there," Cerny said over coffee, "But what kind of men?"

The kinds Cerny chronicles in her book, released in January, including pathological liars, insolvent ne'er-do-wells and old-fashioned rat bastards. Each chapter is devoted to a different date from hell. Take the presumptuous professional basketball player who surprised her by sprawling naked on her bed, while informing her that he "always gets what he wants;" or the guy who concluded a near-perfect date by mentioning that not only did her hair look bad, but it smelled bad too.

Other pervasive attributes of the Colorado bachelor, Cerny notes, include chronic lateness, roving eyes and a tendency toward boastful, self-involved conversations.

Cerny's advice for women slugging through the trenches is not to put your life on hold until you've found "the one," but to pursue your passions and interests in the meantime. "It won't happen on our timelines, but it will happen," she said.

Perhaps Cerny's lack of bitterness might be due to the fact that she's out of the dating world, or perhaps because she now ranks in the top-10 morning radio interviews in the United States, and has a literary agent who is receiving calls from producers of Letterman and Leno.

"I'm really getting the last laugh."

-- Cerny will sign Losers, Creeps, Jerks & Weirdos at The Chinook Bookshop, 210 N. Tejon St., on Sunday, April 27, 1-3 p.m. Call 635-1195.

-- by John Dicker


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