Kenneth Cleaver 

Consumer Correspondent

Kenneth H. Cleaver

P.O. Box 1034

Colorado Springs, CO 80901

July 14, 2004

Ms. Betsy Cox

Brand Manager

Avanti Press

6 West 18th Street, 6th Floor

New York, NY 10011

Dear Ms. Cox:

When it comes to emotions, I prefer suppression to expression any day of the week. This might seem sad, but it really isn't. With the right facial expressions and fashion instincts, people will mistake your reserve for profundity. And if you have a British accent, there's no telling what kinda crap you can get away with.

In my role as chief emotional content provider in several interpersonal relationships, I've found greeting cards absolutely essential. I can't tell you how many nights a $2.50 piece of paper has kept me off the couch. That said, I've encountered several situations where cards have failed me only because none existed for the occasion.

Here's what I'm looking for:

The Let's Passively Tolerate Each Other! card (perfect for co-workers).

The Just Because We're Related Doesn't Mean We Have to be Friends card.

The I'm Sorry I Gave You Herpes card.

The I'm So, So Totally F&%$ing Sorry I Gave You Herpes card.

The If We Weren't Married, We'd Be in A Motel Right Now card.

The If You Weren't Gay, We'd Be in a Motel Right Now card.

The If You Didn't Vote for The Patriot Act, We'd Be in a Motel Right Now! card.

That should do it. Let me know when you can get these into production.


Kenneth Cleaver

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