Masters of disasters 

I appreciate the hard work that you eco-warriors are doing. I really do. But if years of disaster movies have taught me anything, it's probably all for naught.

The Earth is going to do what it's going to do, and most of us are probably going to die in the aftermath. It's time we all either accept that fact and go into the cold arms of Gaia willingly or, using skills learned in said movies, live long enough to repopulate the planet and avoid the mistakes of our ancestors.

This Earth Day, instead of going out and planting some stupid tree or picking up garbage on the side of the highway, how about inviting some friends over — carpool, if you wish — and have an apocalyptic film fest? Maybe it will lead to discussions that will bring about some real social change. We can hope, right?

On climate change

We're probably too far gone to really reverse any damage we've done to the Earth. And, besides, it's not like our little protest groups are going to get some faceless corporation to quit polluting the waters and mowing down the rainforests. 2004's The Day After Tomorrow features the mother of all climate disasters, with global warming causing a shift in the ocean currents and moving Antarctic cold down to our neck of the woods.

The solution: Make friends with Mexico right now, because it's going to have all the nice 72-degree weather. Otherwise, your Frisbee golf team is going to suck next year.

Other films to enjoy: Waterworld and The World Sinks Except Japan.

On overpopulation

Let's face it: People love to have intercourse. But, far too often, the resulting mess causes new life to spring up — new life that the Earth is having a harder time sustaining. 1972's Z.P.G., starring manly drunkard Oliver Reed, is a dystopic future nightmare wherein sex is banned, and couples wanting children must adopt creepy robot tykes.

The solution: Get your kids out of the way now, or learn to love your new, dead-eyed plastic child.

Other films to enjoy: Soylent Green and Logan's Run.

On toxic waste

It's green, it's slimy and it causes monstrous mutations. Yes, the problem of industrial toxic waste has plagued us for far too long, poisoning our rivers and turning our fish in slights against God. In 1988's Slugs, lovable garden slugs become hell-bent killing machines that, in one unfortunate scene, are cut up in a salad and eaten, with deadly (and gooey) results.

The solution: Salt. And lots of it. Or you can write to your congressman.

Other films to enjoy: C.H.U.D. and The Toxic Avenger.

On plant rebellion

Plants. I just don't trust them. They sit there, all quiet, as if plotting something. As we continue to destroy their kind, they've got to act up out of pure self-preservation. In 2008's The Happening, flora fights back, unleashing a spore that infects human brains, causing mass suicides. Sounds believable enough to me.

The solution: Hug and kiss a plant at least twice a day.

Other films to enjoy: The Day of the Triffids and Swamp Thing.

On unavoidable doom

Sometimes there's nothing left to do but sit back and watch the Earth die.

In the 1974 Japanese disaster-film-to-end-all-disaster-films, Last Days of Planet Earth, scientists studying pollution find correlations with the Prophecies of Nostradamus and the world goes bug-nuts, as the ozone layer depletes and sets people on fire, children start to fly, plants eat birds and leeches rain from the sky.

The solution: Down a bottle of sleeping pills and hope there's a God.

Other films to enjoy: None, unless they show movies in Heaven. And I guarantee this won't be one of them.



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