Our national right-wing celebrity 

Ranger Rich

Famous conservative author, columnist, blogger and TV talk show guest Michelle Malkin, who lives right here in our village and is of Asian descent, once wrote this: "Here are some of the racial epithets I've been called in my lifetime: Chink. Gook. Jap. Nigger. Slant eyes. Dog-eater."

Those are tough words, I know. Personally, I've only had to endure moron, limey, hack, uneducated Bolivian shepherd, Polack, stinky Frenchman, Texan, land-lubber, sod-buster and lazy bastard.

As you might guess, the one that cuts deepest is Texan.

Anyway, I began with such harsh words so you'd understand the tough life endured by ultra-right-wing scribe Malkin, who also wrote an actual book saying the U.S. internment camps during World War II were a terrific idea and the 112,000 Japanese nationals and Japanese-Americans who were forcibly relocated to the camps should stop their damn whining.

Of course, her tough-life angle is offset somewhat by the hundreds of thousands of dollars she has pocketed by writing these books — books purchased in huge numbers by Americans who believe President Barack Obama was born in Africa and First Lady Michelle Obama should shut her doggone yap and get back in the kitchen.

Malkin made a rare local public appearance last weekend. She is actually on the Gazette's editorial advisory board, whatever that is, but has not indicated publicly why she moved to Colorado Springs about a year ago. (Many suspect she wants to be here for the grand opening of the new downtown U.S. Olympic Committee headquarters in the year 2350.)

Anyway, she swept into the Barnes & Noble bookstore at the Citadel Mall to sign copies of her latest book and New York Times bestseller: I'd Like to Poke Obama in the Eye with a Barbecue Fork and Then Maybe Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld Will Return and Lead Us Out of This Hell Hole.

OK, her new book is actually called Culture of Corruption. On the cover is a picture of the president. I have not read the book, but from what I heard from the stunning gathering of some 500 avid Malkin followers on Saturday, it contains startling evidence clearly showing that Obama kidnapped the Lindbergh baby; assassinated Archduke Ferdinand to trigger World War I; created polio from the germs in his unwashed hashish pipe; stepped on the tail of a kitten twice (on purpose); and last week quietly went to Texas, snuck up to the home of 85-year-old former president George H.W. Bush, rang the doorbell, and ran away.

"I agree with everything Michelle Malkin says," offered Monica Payton, who said she lives in the Broadmoor area. "Obama is pretty scary. It feels like we're living in Communist Russia."

She was referring, of course, to the way the desperate and downtrodden Russian people, trapped for decades in a brutal and inhumane government of Lenin and his secret police, often found solace the only way they could: playing 18 holes of golf and gossiping about who was using Botox.

Michael Embery of Colorado Springs waited 90 minutes to meet Malkin. Asked what he might ask her, he grinned and said, "Would you like to marry me?"

(I'm pretty sure Embery meant he wanted to ask Malkin to marry him, but he was looking at me when he said it. And judging by how the conservative God-fearing Christians in line were now staring at the two of us, I loped quickly to the other end of the bookstore and settled into the Norwegian yacht-building aisle until the murmuring died down.)

Later, Charlie Kaufhold of Colorado Springs said he has watched Malkin on the hard-hitting TV news shows hosted by Bill O'Reilly and the new Walter Cronkite, Glenn Beck of FOX News. Kaufhold said he agreed with everything Malkin has ever written, adding: "I think Obama's wife and all gals should just be quiet about things like [politics]."

(I once said that to my own wife and found myself stuffed completely inside our dishwasher, screaming as the first blasts of scalding, soapy water went into my eyes.)

Malkin, labeled by the Asian-American news-watch Web site GoldSea as "the radical right's Asian pitbull," didn't say much during her appearance and gave no interviews. She smiled a lot and signed her books and posed for photos with her fans. (She was the one not wearing camouflage clothing.)

"We love you, Michelle," was a steady theme. Also overheard: "You keep after 'em," "Go get 'em" and "Don't let up on 'em." Not overheard: "Change or reform in any society is often uncomfortable, and perhaps we should all exhibit a bit of patience with our new government."

Everyone carefully avoided standing near the gay and lesbian book aisle. OK, it's Colorado Springs; the gay and lesbian bookshelf. Among the flock were Sandy Christ and his mother, Twyla Christ. I wanted to ask if either had the middle initial H, but I did not.

"Obama is very immature and unable to handle the job," offered Twyla Christ. "He seems like a spoiled boy. Michelle Malkin stands up and tells the truth about it. And Obama was born in Africa, too. Everyone knows it."

And it was there in that dusty Kenyan village, living among the lions, caribou and moose, that a young Barack Obama, wielding a polar bear claw, carved the slingshot that he would use on May 6, 1937, to shoot down the Hindenburg.


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