The female mystique

'Tis the season to be ... Jolly? Grumpy? Depressed? Slightly drunk? Take your choice -- for me, I'm going to be cynical, good-tempered and pleased with life. In that vein, let me share some of the year's delights -- things that never quite made it into print, but should have.

Early in December, I drove out to the Appaloosa Gentleman's Club to interview Ginger Lynn. You may not know who Lynn is, unless, of course, you're male, heterosexual, and between 30 and 50. Then you'd know that Ms. Lynn, who began her career at the age of 21 in 1983, is the world's No. 1 porn star, having performed in no less than 79 flicks. Now 41, she did what was advertised as her "last dance" on the stage at the Appaloosa on Dec. 9, marking 20 years (to the day) after her first performance.

I was curious; I'd never met a porn star, much less a famous one, and I spent an hour or so chatting with Ginger. She's smart, funny, open, and -- surprise! -- extremely attractive. She was dressed expensively and conservatively, as you'd expect of a successful woman in early middle age. And what's her biggest problem? She can't find anyone to date! She doesn't like guys who are interested in her because of who she is, and other guys are either intimidated or dismayed. So, like any other lonely single, she's on Match.Com, looking for a compatible mate. As US Magazine might put it: Porn Stars -- they're just like us!

It was good to hear that former Mayor Mary Lou Makepeace is now the executive director of the Gill Foundation's Gay & Lesbian Fund for Colorado. My guess is that she's making at least 10 times the miserable $6,250 annual stipend that we pay our mayor -- about time, too. As mayor, Mary Lou was tough, competent, and extraordinarily successful. Look what she did in six years -- from the renovation of City Hall to the preservation of thousands of acres of open space, Mary Lou and a progressive council majority accomplished more in any given month than most councils do in a year. So maybe our new majority (let's call 'em 'The Somnolent Seven') might take a moment from job one (coddling developers) and try to come up with some actual, like, achievements.

And like any serious student of American politics, I'm delighted that Britney Spears will be performing at the Pepsi Center on March 15. Unhappily, her fellow ur-celebrity Paris Hilton won't be joining her -- too bad, since to understand Paris and Britney is to understand everything of importance about our country.

Start with the names -- Britney/Paris, lighthearted synonyms for Britain and France, thereby appropriating the very nationhood of Old Europe. Consider the transition from Madonna (beautiful, poor, vastly talented, insanely ambitious) to Britney (beautiful, surgically altered, slightly talented, vastly ambitious) to Paris (beautiful, unaltered, talentless and utterly without ambition).

Our nation is now so rich, so powerful and so successful that it can finally discard the puritan ethic for once and for all. Thanks to Paris, an entire generation understands that doing stuff is irrelevant -- it's enough to be young, rich, blonde and beautiful. We've come full circle -- from the aimless debutantes of the '30s to the lawyers, doctors and corporate powerhouses of the '80s and '90s, and finally to Paris. We should have known -- remember the infamous line from Casablanca, "We'll always have Paris," or Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just want to have fun!"

And what does this mean? It may mean -- too bad, fellow liberals! -- that George W. will be re-elected. Why? Because he's tuned in to the national zeitgeist. Paris and Britney -- confident, narcissistic, rich, indifferent to anyone who isn't a fan -- are the cultural mirrors of Bush's America: confident, rich, narcissistic, indifferent to foreigners and Democrats.

And note that the president's twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara, are cute, blonde, hard-drinking girlie girls, ideally suited to party with Paris and hang out with Britney! Sadly, careful research has revealed that none of the Democratic candidates has a single fun blonde daughter, let alone two ... so let's just hope that a re-elected Bush understands, as do his daughters, the virtues of inaction. Maybe he won't invade any more countries or drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge or appoint crazed right-wingers to the Supreme Court ... we can dream, can't we?

Nonsense, you say? Well, yeah, but thanks anyway -- for reading this column. I'm profoundly grateful, and endlessly delighted, to have the opportunity to irritate the powerful and amuse everyone else. Happy holidays!

And I'll see you at Britney's concert on March 15.

I'll be the one in the Paris T-shirt ...

-- jhazlehurst@csindy.com


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