Putting the 'tea' in trouble 

Ranger Rich

If less than the entire value of the trust (or other property) that the donor has included in Parts 1 and 3 of Schedule A is entered as a deduction on line 4, the donor shall be considered to have made an election only as to a fraction of the trust (or other property). The numerator of this fraction is equal to the amount of the trust (or other property) deducted on Schedule A, Part 4, line 6. The denominator is equal to the total value of the trust (or other property) listed in Parts 1 and 3 of Schedule A.

Those sentences were written by:

a) A squirrel accidentally dragging his nuts across a computer keyboard. (You know ... acorns.)

b) An IRS gift-tax expert dragging his nuts across a computer keyboard while reaching for a cup of coffee.

c) The new Keep It Simple writing coach at our village's billionaire-owned Gazette newspaper.

d) Tea party and "patriot" people who think the "tooth" brush is accurately named and believe President Obama's crippling economic policies have kept them from affording a new door for their outhouse.

e) Is it just me, or does the new, starving Sarah Palin look just like creepy Kenny Rogers and 837-year-old Burt Reynolds?

The correct answer, of course, is B. The sentences are the work of the IRS, which is engaged in a long, bloody battle with the tea party, reminiscent of other epics: Godzilla vs. Mothra. Broncos vs. Oakland Raiders. Mayor Steve Bach vs. actual human beings.

As you know, the IRS is in trouble because some of its employees denied or delayed tax-exempt applications from groups with names containing certain words or phrases including "tea party," "patriot" and "Louella, you sure does make some faaaahhhn biscuits."

Local footnote: Until the government solves this IRS tax issue, El Paso County Sheriff Terry Maketa has announced that he will no longer enforce laws regarding guns, assault, stolen musical instruments, jaywalking, car theft, elk poaching, arson or any form of workplace violence.

The IRS-tea party skirmish even brought out the U.S. Inspector General, whose job it is to inspect generals. (In Florida, he recently inspected disgraced former Gen. David Petraeus and found that he was still leaking fluids.)

At issue are conservative groups seeking tax-exempt status, groups such as the phony bastards, uh, I mean the highly respected global Christian ministers, at our own Focus on the Family.

From the Denver Post: "Under this special kind of status, reserved for organizations advocating for 'social welfare,' groups cannot ... promote individual candidates or help political campaigns, but they are able to talk about philosophy and ideas."

Examples of questions discussed by those brainy conservative groups:

• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, is there still a chance it could hit President Obama in the head?

• If Socrates tells us that reality is unavailable to those who use their senses, how come Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton and all those liberals smell like hot donkeys?

Plato wrote that man's vision can be "confused and its beliefs shifting, and it seems to lack intelligence." Would this help explain Nancy Pelosi and that weird Steny Hoyer guy?

Some people, including our own Democratic U.S. Sen. Michael Bennet, have said the IRS might be more closely checking the social welfare credentials of tea party and patriot groups because some of them are, and I'm paraphrasing here, liars and cheats. Bennet cited Karl Rove's American Crossroads group as an example of a 501(c)(4) organization that might, maybe, just possibly exist for political purposes.

But the tea party and "patriot" groups say they're only engaged in the business of social awareness, the promotion of freedom and constitutional values and, most importantly, education.

Like showing us photographs of the slingshot a young Barack Obama used to take down his very first lion outside the family hut in Kenya.

Rich Tosches (rangerrich@csindy.com) also writes a Sunday column in the Denver Post.

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