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Reader: I am the perfect candidate 

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I finally made the decision to seek public office here in Colorado Springs and have gradually pulled the grass roots together. Changed my name to Nikita Miroslav. Paid no taxes last year. Paid off a prostitute to keep her mouth shut. Fired my housemaid, my doctor, dentist and lawyer. I habitually lie about everything. Kicked a wheelchair and made fun of a man on crutches. Groped a couple of women. Tweeted insults to Hillary. Refused to pay my electrician and plumber. Adopted a platform to cut the minimum wage, public health care, all immigration, and to build a wall around Colorado Springs to keep out all non-whites. I've basically forsaken everything my mother taught me about morals and good character. Just one last step — I need to find a good Evangelical church to join.

— Glenn Perry, Colorado Springs

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