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Strain review: Gorilla Cookies 

click to enlarge Gorilla Cookies — an awful smell for such a dependable strain. - BRANDON SODERBERG
  • Brandon Soderberg
  • Gorilla Cookies — an awful smell for such a dependable strain.
The baseline scent of Gorilla Cookies is vomit. Then there are hints of how a bad Salisbury steak frozen dinner smells emanating from the microwave (disgusting but boring), and an odd H20 taste, like when a glass of water sits near your bed for a few days and somehow seems to have grown fragrant. It’s stale but mostly — say it with me one more time — the scent is vomit.

When you read reviews on dependable and relatively straight strain review sites, or you talk to the cannabis connoisseur in your life, you’ll witness smart-dumb stoners trying hard to put a spin on Gorilla Cookies’ smell: “pungent” and “loud” says Leafly; “Earthy, Pine, Sour, Spicy,” says AllBud; and “funky and int3ns3” a friend texted when I asked for his take. (And yes the Es were 3s. I am going to assume it’s because his phone is trained to do that given how often he is typing the non-word, “w33d.”) All of those observations are infected by the avoidance of a simple truth that savvy branding prevents us from admitting: This shit smells like vomit.
Fellow reviewer Baynard Woods once mentioned a friend who described a beer as “tasting like the sweat from the underarms of a horny girl.” This is very accurate and just the best and realest description of all time and someone tossing that observation out there like that should free you to realize that “bad” smells are “good” smells in the right context and vice versa. And let’s not cede weed to alleged experts caught up in the pretentious bullshit of midbrow taste and bourgeois decorum a la food and wine.

Admittedly, the smell might be more of a problem if Gorilla Cookies weren’t such a dependable strain. Its high is intense, and the way it sits in your lungs if you smoke it will make you feel like you just sprinted or at least did some running, a loopy runner’s high really. Bemusing but consistent, Gorilla Cookies peaks quick and hangs around — a robust minimalism with not so much a comedown as a steady dissolution — all of which makes total sense coming from a 50 percent Sativa and 50 percent Indica strain made up of Thin Mint Cookies and Gorilla Glue 4. Everything about this strain makes sense — it is what you’d imagine it would be, precisely — except for that throw-up smell, an icky, grounding element you’d be wise to embrace.

Strength: 8
Nose: Like vomit in the room next to the one you’re in
Euphoria: 7
Existential dread: 5
Freaking out when a crazy person approaches you: 5
Drink pairing: A stout of some sort
Music pairing: Lea Bertucci’s Metal Aether
Rating: 7

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