January 06, 2005 News » Cover Story

You are sooooo Colorado Springs 

We all have our perfect Colorado Springs moments.

click to enlarge b3e6_cover-16068.gif

We all have our perfect Colorado Springs moments. Here is mine. It is one of those beautiful Indian autumn mornings, an October Saturday, with Pikes Peak always, always serving as our backdrop. We're downtown. A cowboy rattles up in his old dusty blue Dodge truck and pulls into a parking space at the corner of Bijou and Tejon. The engine rattles a bit shutting down. The cowboy gets out. His hat is molded, low, to his crown. Legs are a little stiff; he shakes 'em out some, straightens out. He ambles by Uncle Wilber; stops. Gazes, for a long, long minute. Crosses the street, heads into Starbucks for a latte. And a New York Times.

This city means so many things to so many people. The following capsules, contributed by Independent staffers and the public, are other fleeting observations of what it is like to be the city of Colorado Springs.

-- Cara DeGette


Culture smulcher

You are so Colorado Springs if:

You own at least one painting on velvet. -- JH

You've been to the symphony in spandex bicycle shorts -- KCE

You've studied the deep metaphorical meanings of the Left Behind series of apocalyptic Christian novels. -- DW

You've lived here so long you've never heard of Love Line. -- DW

You think Michael Moore is America's biggest terrorist threat. -- GE

You hate Michael Moore with every fiber of your being, even though you have never seen any of his movies. -- Cara Hopkins

You think the Japanese shrine on Nevada Avenue makes Colorado Springs international and cosmopolitan. -- DW

You describe Colorado Springs as a "World-Class City." With a straight face. -- CD

click to enlarge This display in the median on Nevada Avenue pays - homage to our sister city in Japan. - BRUCE ELLIOTT
  • Bruce Elliott
  • This display in the median on Nevada Avenue pays homage to our sister city in Japan.

When you overhear someone mentioning "arts" in Colorado Springs you think they're talking about a new bar. -- Douglas Zwach

Current events

You are so Colorado Springs if:

You're more offended by Janet Jackson's pastied boob than a dead fetus truck. -- Monika Randall

You think that being pro-life and pro-war is in no way a contradiction. -- GE

You hear about police gassing peace protesters in Palmer Park and think the protesters probably deserved it. -- CD

You hear about sex scandals and religious intolerance at the Air Force Academy and don't blink an eye. -- CD

You hear about United States Olympic Committee scandals and think it must be happening in Greece. -- CD

You voted years ago to approve millions to build Confluence Park just southwest of downtown and don't care that it's not done. -- CD

You think the only people that have money and are willing to volunteer live in the 80906 zip code. -- Monika Randall

You refuse to pay for flowers in the city's medians and then gripe that the volunteer efforts to plant beds are ugly. -- CD

click to enlarge The park at Confluence. - BRUCE ELLIOTT
  • Bruce Elliott
  • The park at Confluence.

You wave a shotgun around as you cross the street on foot to show aggressive drivers exactly who's in charge. -- CD

You fly your flag on your house, car, truck, flapping in the wind day and night for months making it more like a decoration than anything else. The more tattered and faded the better! -- Fred Joyce

Suds up:

You are so Colorado Springs if:

The bar you drink at also cashes paychecks. -- DW

Bar owner Johnny Nolan knows you by name. -- GE

Murphy's Tavern will always hold a really, really special place in your heart. -- CD

You can taste the difference between Bud Light, Coors Light and Miller Light. -- JH

You have the satisfaction knowing that, when you go back East to visit friends, you can drink all of them under the table. -- GTS

Eats and drinks

You are so Colorado Springs if:

You are on one side of the coffee shop and get an instant message from your friend on the other side of the same shop wondering where the hell you are. -- T.J. Conway

You think that the Red Lobster serves the best seafood in town. -- GE

You think Taco Bell serves the best tacos in town. -- CD

click to enlarge Johnny Nolan knows you by name. - BRUCE ELLIOTT
  • Bruce Elliott
  • Johnny Nolan knows you by name.

You know what Rocky Mountain oysters are, and like 'em. -- GE

You've given up trying to find a decent place to eat after 9 p.m. -- RT

The fact that a lot of our restaurants aren't open on Sundays doesn't bother you anymore. -- RT

You think shopping at Whole Foods means you're "living off the grid." -- DW

True story: You receive a Bible as a tip while waiting tables. -- MS

Squeamish about sex

You put your hands over your ears and sing religious songs when anyone suggests that both of the kissing camels might be the same gender. -- RT

You're a lesbian, atheist, Democrat, Air Force Academy, class of 2006. -- JH

You're a hetero, Christian, Republican, Air Force Academy, Class of 2006. -- CD

Reading between the lines

You think Lisa Lyden is a real babe. -- JH

You believe what you read in the Gazette, and that if it's not in the Gazette, it's not important. -- Douglas Zwach

click to enlarge Murphys - BRUCE ELLIOTT
  • Bruce Elliott
  • Murphys

You look forward to reading the Gazette's corrections. -- CD

You foolishly pin the hopes of humanity on the writings of Rich Tosches. -- MdY

You believe Rich Tosches is the anti-Christ. -- CD

You think Fox News is fair and balanced -- Zach Steveson

Ten hut!

When you were a high school girl, you knew by heart the convenience stores where you could meet Air Force cadets, Fort Carson GIs and Olympic Training Center athletes. -- GTS

You know every flavor of Army meals-ready-to-eat and can pass a taste test blindfolded. -- DW

The outdoor life:

You go to Sky Sox to go hot-tubbing. -- Seth Zisser, Briargate

click to enlarge That damned Prebles mouse.
  • That damned Prebles mouse.

You run the Pikes Peak Marathon to unwind after running the 135-mile ultramarathon in Death Valley. -- DW

You love the mountains, but never go there. -- CD

You leave your animal carcasses (after hunting) out in the sun for a day and then throw them out in the garbage. -- Joseph Reyes, garbage loader at Bestway Disposal

You damn to hell that damned Preble and his damned mouse. -- CD

Your idea of enjoying nature involves an off-road vehicle, a 12-pack and a shotgun. -- Cara Hopkins

You know the weather terms "graupel" and "thunder snow." -- GTS

You know March and April don't mean spring, they mean snow. -- Jay Woodard

You find yourself saying, "Well, since we live in a semi-arid desert ..." in casual conversation -- SG

You find yourself saying, "Well, we need the moisture" anytime there is hint of a storm, to perfect strangers in the elevator. -- CD

Whenever there is a snowstorm, local broadcast news outlets station mobile satellites in strategic parts of the city and cut to freezing reporters who actually bend down, stick their hand into the roadway and announce, "It's beginning to stick!" -- CD

You smile to see deer, hope to spot bear, and can only imagine glimpsing a mountain lion. -- Jay Woodard

You grow a beard because you think living in Colorado Springs makes you a "mountain man." -- DW

click to enlarge The worlds best-tasting doughnut.
  • The worlds best-tasting doughnut.

You know the best-tasting doughnut in the world takes a drive to the top of Pikes Peak. -- MdY

The political machine

You miss like hell Bob Isaac. -- CD

You have no clue who Bob Isaac is. -- CD

You recall with fondness the days of Charlie Duke and Betty Beedy. -- CD

You pay Bob Gardner and Sara Jack $50,000 to lose the election for you. -- CD

You believe in less government and individual freedom for everyone, except for those that aren't the spitting image of you. -- Monika Randall

You take your kid to play in the Uncle Wilber fountain twice a week in the summer but tell your City Council representative that you don't want your taxes going to Parks and Recreation. -- GTS

You really believe making a left turn at an intersection is a radical political decision. -- Douglas Zwach

Your vote in November was heavily influenced by TV commercials. -- JH

You voted to "de-Bruce" restrictions on local tax measures, but still elected Douglas Bruce to dismantle county government. -- CD

click to enlarge Douglas Bruce
  • Douglas Bruce

You think Douglas Bruce makes a lot of sense. -- JH

You absolutely despise Douglas Bruce. -- JH

You have no idea who Douglas Bruce is. -- JH

Your New Year's wish is that someone, anyone would just find Doug Bruce a girlfriend. -- CD

You think Ed Bircham has a good point. -- RT

You wish for Fannie May Duncan when we really need her. -- CD

That olde time religion:

Your church has its own zip code. -- Jay Woodard

Your Truth fish on the back of your car is eating your Jesus fish which just ate your Darwin fish . . . er reptile . . . er amphibian. -- Jay Woodard

Your Left bumper sticker is arguing with your Right bumper sticker. -- Jay Woodard

You can fit Jesus Christ Almighty, WMD, extra-value meal and strong family values into a single sentence. -- JS

click to enlarge Youve never ridden the bus. - BRUCE ELLIOTT
  • Bruce Elliott
  • Youve never ridden the bus.

Your church used to be a 7-Eleven, Pizza Hut or K-Mart. -- MdY

You dress like Britney Spears when you attend your youth group Bible study. -- Ed Fields

You go to church looking for romance opportunities. -- JH

You go to bars to talk about religion. -- JH

You're sooo ready for the Rapture. -- JH

Driving like a maniac

You are so Colorado Springs if:

You call them turn signals, directionals or blinkers. But you just don't use them. -- JJH

The only time you drive the speed limit is when you speed up as someone tries to pass you. -- JJH

You think a 50-minute in-town commute home is God's way of being sure you listen to the Dr. Bob Grant

Show. -- Jay Woodard

click to enlarge Houses are springing up like dandelions.
  • Houses are springing up like dandelions.

You voted for the 1A transit tax because you support an expanded bus system, but you've never ridden on the bus system, and never will. -- JH

You think I-25 really has a traffic problem. -- RT

You stop asking why there are eight uniformed police officers and three patrol cars directing traffic at the Woodmen Valley Chapel, and never one at the intersection when the pickup truck blows through the red light. -- RT

Growing like dandelions

You moved to Colorado Springs a year ago and have lived in your neighborhood the longest. -- GE

You flaunt your longevity in town by saying, "I remember when (Powers Boulevard/Academy Boulevard /Union Boulevard /Tejon Street) was an empty dirt road." -- GE

You've lived here for 30 years and never go east of Union Boulevard. -- JH

You've lived here for three years, and have never been west of Academy. -- JH

You hate developers, except General Palmer. -- JH

You moved here a decade ago and think that the city's growth is getting out of control. -- SG

You remember when Powers was the eastern bypass. -- SG

Getting outta here

True story: One night at a bar, I was chatting with someone about other places. England came up. I said I'd spent some time there. The guy says to me: "England? They speak English there, right?" -- LG

You think Denver is a really, really big city. -- LG

click to enlarge How many minutes does it take to cook a 3-minute egg?
  • How many minutes does it take to cook a 3-minute egg?

You think Manitou is full of witches, weirdos and hippies -- SG

You think that, overall, you're slightly ahead at Cripple Creek. -- JH

When you travel, you tell people where you're from -- and they gasp in horror -- and you love it. -- JH

This 'n' that

Your wife asks you to pick up Granola on your way home from work and you stop off at the day-care center. -- Lee Vogel

You've never been to The Broadmoor, Cave of the Winds, The Cliff Dwellings or to the top of Pikes Peak. -- GE

You believe the Holly Sugar Building -- which will always be the Holly Sugar Building -- is a high-rise. -- CD

You live in a beige house, next to a beige house, next to a beige house, and you don't know the names of any other streets in your neighborhood except for your own. --Cara Hopkins

You know that it takes 10 minutes to cook a 3-minute egg. -- GTS

You know it's 'pop,' not 'soda'. -- CD

Your Jeep Cherokee with the 6-inch suspension lift and 35-inch tires has a "Papa John's Delivery" sign on the top. -- John Bickar

You have never noticed that if Colorado Springs were somehow picked up and moved east to Kansas or Nebraska, without the mountains the city would be pretty dang ugly. -- Douglas Zwach

You know deep down you're lucky to live in one of the most beautiful city settings on earth. -- Jay Woodard

Independent contributors include Cara DeGette (CD), Michael de Yoanna (MdY), John Dicker (JD), Kathryn Eastburn (KCE), Gavin Ehringer (GE), Sara Gallagher (SG), Lori Green (LG), Jeff Hansen (JJH) John Hazlehurst (JH), Gina Schaarschmidt (GTS), Matthew Schniper (MS), Jackson Solway (JS), Rich Tosches (RT) and Dan Wilcock (DW).


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

More by Cara DeGette

All content © Copyright 2020, The Colorado Springs Independent

Website powered by Foundation