Stephen Hirst Mug

Stephen Hirst

Jan. 5, 2021

Dear Cletus II and little Heinrich,

My boys, I hope this letter finds you both well, when you are finally old enough to read it. By the time you do, your father may still be locked up, or even dead.

That's OK.

Some things are worth fighting for, and other things are worth eating as many hot dogs as you can in a given period of 5-minutes for. Still other things are worth heatedly arguing about, but not actually fighting for, but also maybe worth running someone over with your car for. I digress.

Tomorrow, your father will march on Washington, D.C., the greatest cesspit of thieves and liars to ever exist, and strangely enough, also the capital city of the greatest country in the history of the world. We shall ask for no quarter.

Our names shall be inscribed on the very trunk of the Tree of Liberty and History, which must be watered with the blood of patriots from time to time. As I may not return, there are some things I would like you both to remember:

1. The Tree of Liberty and History is the third-tallest Douglas-fir out back, by the creek. You can use your own blood, as long as you're patriots. If you're not sure, check your blood to see what color it is. Patriots = blue, communists = red. 

2. While you're out there, inscribe my name on it, too. Don't use the pressure washer for this.

3. Once you're old enough to really swing a stick hard, please beat the dog while I'm gone. You'll know you've done it right once he's howling all night. If you can catch him, give the cat a good whuppin' too.

4. DO NOT MOVE the Dodge Charger. You can move the '78 Ford F-150 if you like, but don't you touch that Charger. It's almost fixed, just needs a little more work on the rear suspension, and I'll get to it when I'm out. I don't care what the so-called neighborhood association tells you.

5. Your mother is going to put you both into one room with a bunk bed eventually. That's because we decided to turn the other room into the new computer room. You'll have to stay out of the computer room. We've discussed it. Please don't hassle her on this one. And remember: Stay out of that room.

6. Upon your 12 birthday(s), you may watch my VHS copy of Rambo III, the apex of Stallone's career as well as the 2nd greatest film in American history, behind Birth of a Nation. It's with the rest of my VHS collection, in the closet.


I go now to cement my place in history, and that of our family's name.

Remember me as I was: wearing a lot of camo and sunglasses, quivering with rage, and screaming at my phone while inside my truck.

With Love,

A True Patriot and American Father

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